It had been a day since Mei Wu had that talk about her Qi with Kasumi Ai, and she realized what she wanted herself to be.
A woman that drags other Qi users down to the level of a normal human, or more accurately, a being weaker than her so that she can crush them metaphorically and literally under her foot when needed.
Her Qi resonated with that goal in a manner she did not even think she would have sensed before, as it pulsed strongly at the mere thought of that, and she clearly understood that it was the correct... desire, for her.
But even though realizing her desire was a true discovery, and one that honestly gave her a lot of thoughts, and plenty of understanding of how to build her own self, it was still a rather difficult endeavor.
In the world of rankers and warriors, one can't just think they want something or a goal then their sense of self enforces itself just like that. One needs to also have a strong will and desire for what they desire as well, and their skills then start helping the process, painting the color and engraving the intent they manifest into their Qi, a process that takes at least weeks if not months if things went good enough, as long as one didn't falter.
One can't just say "It'll be fun to be the best warrior!" then find themselves the best. They first need to have the potential to use Qi to even start, then they need to wish, and desire from the bottom of their hearts, or have an absurd amount of conviction of what they want to accomplish, then actually train and put effort.
(at least, if one wasn't so absurdly talented that they just skip what would require other warriors months of training and just do it in mere days, no Mei Wu is totally not remembering that trash Xie Li and how favored he was.)
Intents can vary a lot, something Mei Wu fully understood, since she could literally sense the intents and Qi of other beings around her since she was little.
Whether it was one wishing to freeze their enemies, or to decapitate them, she was able to sense it regardless. Though most of them are filled with pride and narcissism, one way or another.
Rarely did she meet one whose intent, or reasoning was nowhere as cruel or even benevolent. Maybe the occasional pragmatist or logical ones, like the very small amount of elders in the Xie clan that she gave even a drop of genuine respect to, since they thought with their heads most of the time, but that was it.
And while the purpose of one walking the path of the warrior could change, it doesn't always give a good progress, and at times it could even result in one's cultivation stagnating if the purpose became too... 'tainted', or so she called that particular event.
If one decided to become a warrior to protect, then the moment his goal became something as common as seeking power, not for the sake of protection, but for the sake of power itself, or even just because it's how things work... then one's reason for wanting power is no longer focused, no longer has any real drive or purpose. Maybe one can gain power for a while simply by wanting power for the sake of it, if they had good talents or genes, but in the end, they will reach a limit (even if said limit seemed so arbitrary in how high it is for some).
Which is why Mei Wu's first obstacle is just as simple as it is complicated; to define herself, so to speak.
With Kasumi Ai going to talk with the Queen Bee, probably about the nectars the alraune was making or about the possibility of the Xie clan or any human warriors getting too close to their hiding spot, Mei Wu decided to meditate and find the answers.
'So, how am I even supposed to start with this self-discovery thing?' she told herself eyes closed as she sat with her legs crossed.
Qi moved through her fresh body, and she contemplated.
'What do I desire? What do I wish for? Why do I want power?' she thought.
As she kept looking inside of herself, she watched as her Qi, colorless, flowed, but something was different.
She probably wouldn't have even noticed it if not for her own sensitivity towards the changes of Qi, but she could sense that her Qi was acting like it just... was waiting for something? Was it waiting for her to give it a color or a flavor? Curious...
'I want power because I lack it. That is the simplest and most honest answer I have for now.' True. Her Qi hummed at that.
Mei Wu wanted power because it was something she couldn't obtain. Not in any meaningful way. True, she had the potential to use Qi, even potential to become a Level 1 [Apprentice], but that was only after years of being downtrodden and stepped on, and even then...
Even then, there was no mercy for her.
She was always weak compared to those who hurt her the most. For every weak warrior she could probably win against, there were dozens of sadists that would love nothing but to crush her and use her as they please.
Mei Wu had to calm herself as she felt her rage trying to escape too vivid for her senses. Memories she'd rather just erase from her mind trying to become almost visible to her.
No matter how she tried to catch up, she always fell short. Either due to lack of resources, or being too emotionally and physically drained to be able to focus properly. And in hindsight, her having no real purpose in life, no attachments, and a hate for having to paint herself with the colors of either the tormentors and the victims in the Xie clan, her so-called 'home,' did a lot to stop her progress.
'And now that I know that, I can progress. The first part of fixing a problem, is admitting that one has it at all.' she kept thinking, as the sensation of Qi agreeing with her intensified just slightly, but no different property in it.
'So, what do I want to do if I had power?' how would she use her power, if she had it? If she had the power to drag anyone under her foot then crush them... what would she use it for?
She would then use it to make sure that no one would ever harm her again, to never touch her ever again, either by their hands or their intents. She would drag them and their Qi to a level below hers, then keep crushing until nothing remains.
A very tempting idea, for certain, but...
She grimaced as she remembered the many arrogant and sadistic looks she saw, wether directed at her or others around her.
... Isn't that just the same approach they gave her? Mei Wu refused to be like that.
There has to be another motive, other than just sadistic glee over other people's suffering, even if they truly deserved it.
A voice in her mind even mocked her that she wouldn't even have the time to deal with that all the time even if she became an Innate, one of the, if not the biggest desires of any warrior in the Soaring Dragon Continent.
Going to waste decades of her life as a warrior or an innate just torturing murderers, slavers, rapists, and so on? Supressing them and their Qi for months?
Yeah, no.
She's full of wrath at how she was treated, sure. And she'd love nothing but to get some revenge on every asshole who beat her, raped her, and tormented her, make them feel just how she felt, with a hefty bonus. Even her Qi agrees on that. But honestly? She'd rather just finish them and be done with it. Wasting any more time than needed with trash would only make their smell stink and attach onto her all the more.
'But, that is for the future, when I became that strong. What about now though?' her mouth twitched as the appearance of Kasumi Ai entered her mind.
That stupid, nonsensical alraune... Mei Wu has a lot to think about her.
Frustration was present, but it wasn't genuine like she expected. It was more like an exasperation and annoyance at how the damn plant beast kept flip-flopping between an admittedly pleasant fellow, then start making fun of her, and lately, being rather sadistically pleased during the training that she dragged Mei Wu into in the first place.
But most surprisingly, or maybe not really, was the strange... relaxed mood whenever she was with that stupidly frustrating alraune.
Mei Wu certainly noticed how she was acting rather casual with Kasumi Ai, despite her frustration due to that very same attitude.
'But...' her lips gave the impression of a smile, 'despite how much she frustrates me, I apparently tolerate that attitude and actually prefer it more than the alternative, huh.'
Her Qi swelled with what she felt as acceptance at that. It was honestly strange, yet strangely pleasant.
Eyes opened, she took a long breath as she felt the changes in herself, even if they weren't as grand as one expects.
Her Qi was still colorless, even if it felt close to be painted over. All what she needs is to find her own style, or technique, and make her sense of self even more solid, and maybe find for certain how she wanted to feel about Kasumi Ai.
'That alraune... calling me inconsistent. You're the one who is. Though I have to admit that I like this kind of inconsistency.'
Her heart and mind though, felt certainly much calmer than they were for a long time.
Maybe... maybe she can get used to this... she felt herself hoping.
It had been a day since Mei Wu had that talk about her Qi with Kasumi Ai, and she realized what she wanted herself to be.
A woman that drags other Qi users down to the level of a normal human, or more accurately, a being weaker than her so that she can crush them metaphorically and literally under her foot when needed.
Her Qi resonated with that goal in a manner she did not even think she would have sensed before, as it pulsed strongly at the mere thought of that, and she clearly understood that it was the correct... desire, for her.
But even though realizing her desire was a true discovery, and one that honestly gave her a lot of thoughts, and plenty of understanding of how to build her own self, it was still a rather difficult endeavor.
In the world of rankers and warriors, one can't just think they want something or a goal then their sense of self enforces itself just like that. One needs to also have a strong will and desire for what they desire as well, and their skills then start helping the process, painting the color and engraving the intent they manifest into their Qi, a process that takes at least weeks if not months if things went good enough, as long as one didn't falter.
One can't just say "It'll be fun to be the best warrior!" then find themselves the best. They first need to have the potential to use Qi to even start, then they need to wish, and desire from the bottom of their hearts, or have an absurd amount of conviction of what they want to accomplish, then actually train and put effort.
(at least, if one wasn't so absurdly talented that they just skip what would require other warriors months of training and just do it in mere days, no Mei Wu is totally not remembering that trash Xie Li and how favored he was.)
Intents can vary a lot, something Mei Wu fully understood, since she could literally sense the intents and Qi of other beings around her since she was little.
Whether it was one wishing to freeze their enemies, or to decapitate them, she was able to sense it regardless. Though most of them are filled with pride and narcissism, one way or another.
Rarely did she meet one whose intent, or reasoning was nowhere as cruel or even benevolent. Maybe the occasional pragmatist or logical ones, like the very small amount of elders in the Xie clan that she gave even a drop of genuine respect to, since they thought with their heads most of the time, but that was it.
And while the purpose of one walking the path of the warrior could change, it doesn't always give a good progress, and at times it could even result in one's cultivation stagnating if the purpose became too... 'tainted', or so she called that particular event.
If one decided to become a warrior to protect, then the moment his goal became something as common as seeking power, not for the sake of protection, but for the sake of power itself, or even just because it's how things work... then one's reason for wanting power is no longer focused, no longer has any real drive or purpose. Maybe one can gain power for a while simply by wanting power for the sake of it, if they had good talents or genes, but in the end, they will reach a limit (even if said limit seemed so arbitrary in how high it is for some).
Which is why Mei Wu's first obstacle is just as simple as it is complicated; to define herself, so to speak.
With Kasumi Ai going to talk with the Queen Bee, probably about the nectars the alraune was making or about the possibility of the Xie clan or any human warriors getting too close to their hiding spot, Mei Wu decided to meditate and find the answers.
'So, how am I even supposed to start with this self-discovery thing?' she told herself eyes closed as she sat with her legs crossed.
Qi moved through her fresh body, and she contemplated.
'What do I desire? What do I wish for? Why do I want power?' she thought.
As she kept looking inside of herself, she watched as her Qi, colorless, flowed, but something was different.
She probably wouldn't have even noticed it if not for her own sensitivity towards the changes of Qi, but she could sense that her Qi was acting like it just... was waiting for something? Was it waiting for her to give it a color or a flavor? Curious...
'I want power because I lack it. That is the simplest and most honest answer I have for now.' True. Her Qi hummed at that.
Mei Wu wanted power because it was something she couldn't obtain. Not in any meaningful way. True, she had the potential to use Qi, even potential to become a Level 1 [Apprentice], but that was only after years of being downtrodden and stepped on, and even then...
Even then, there was no mercy for her.
She was always weak compared to those who hurt her the most. For every weak warrior she could probably win against, there were dozens of sadists that would love nothing but to crush her and use her as they please.
Mei Wu had to calm herself as she felt her rage trying to escape too vivid for her senses. Memories she'd rather just erase from her mind trying to become almost visible to her.
No matter how she tried to catch up, she always fell short. Either due to lack of resources, or being too emotionally and physically drained to be able to focus properly. And in hindsight, her having no real purpose in life, no attachments, and a hate for having to paint herself with the colors of either the tormentors and the victims in the Xie clan, her so-called 'home,' did a lot to stop her progress.
'And now that I know that, I can progress. The first part of fixing a problem, is admitting that one has it at all.' she kept thinking, as the sensation of Qi agreeing with her intensified just slightly, but no different property in it.
'So, what do I want to do if I had power?' how would she use her power, if she had it? If she had the power to drag anyone under her foot then crush them... what would she use it for?
She would then use it to make sure that no one would ever harm her again, to never touch her ever again, either by their hands or their intents. She would drag them and their Qi to a level below hers, then keep crushing until nothing remains.
A very tempting idea, for certain, but...
She grimaced as she remembered the many arrogant and sadistic looks she saw, wether directed at her or others around her.
... Isn't that just the same approach they gave her? Mei Wu refused to be like that.
There has to be another motive, other than just sadistic glee over other people's suffering, even if they truly deserved it.
A voice in her mind even mocked her that she wouldn't even have the time to deal with that all the time even if she became an Innate, one of the, if not the biggest desires of any warrior in the Soaring Dragon Continent.
Going to waste decades of her life as a warrior or an innate just torturing murderers, slavers, rapists, and so on? Supressing them and their Qi for months?
Yeah, no.
She's full of wrath at how she was treated, sure. And she'd love nothing but to get some revenge on every asshole who beat her, raped her, and tormented her, make them feel just how she felt, with a hefty bonus. Even her Qi agrees on that. But honestly? She'd rather just finish them and be done with it. Wasting any more time than needed with trash would only make their smell stink and attach onto her all the more.
'But, that is for the future, when I became that strong. What about now though?' her mouth twitched as the appearance of Kasumi Ai entered her mind.
That stupid, nonsensical alraune... Mei Wu has a lot to think about her.
Frustration was present, but it wasn't genuine like she expected. It was more like an exasperation and annoyance at how the damn plant beast kept flip-flopping between an admittedly pleasant fellow, then start making fun of her, and lately, being rather sadistically pleased during the training that she dragged Mei Wu into in the first place.
But most surprisingly, or maybe not really, was the strange... relaxed mood whenever she was with that stupidly frustrating alraune.
Mei Wu certainly noticed how she was acting rather casual with Kasumi Ai, despite her frustration due to that very same attitude.
'But...' her lips gave the impression of a smile, 'despite how much she frustrates me, I apparently tolerate that attitude and actually prefer it more than the alternative, huh.'
Her Qi swelled with what she felt as acceptance at that. It was honestly strange, yet strangely pleasant.
Eyes opened, she took a long breath as she felt the changes in herself, even if they weren't as grand as one expects.
Her Qi was still colorless, even if it felt close to be painted over. All what she needs is to find her own style, or technique, and make her sense of self even more solid, and maybe find for certain how she wanted to feel about Kasumi Ai.
'That alraune... calling me inconsistent. You're the one who is. Though I have to admit that I like this kind of inconsistency.'
Her heart and mind though, felt certainly much calmer than they were for a long time.
Maybe... maybe she can get used to this... she felt herself hoping.
