Three days before her birthday, Dani found herself nervous to go to work. She managed to get out of her car after hyping herself up for a few minutes, but couldn’t seem to grab the handle to the back entrance of the building and go inside. The cold didn’t persuade her either way, as her new fuzzy white coat kept her warm and it hadn’t snowed since the day before.
It’s not a big deal. I’ve done this so many times by now, I should be immune to fear!
She looked at her phone and saw she had six more minutes to waste before she was due to clock in. In a small window she saw her reflection; her makeup, her clothes. She smiled.
I’m Dani. It’s time they know that too.
No longer paralyzed, she opened the door and entered The Mug.
Immediately she saw Chris pouring coffee beans into the grinder. He was a newer employee, only there for a month by then, and never left much of an impression on her. He was average height and build, with a fading tan leftover by the warm climate he moved from.
After he turned on the grinder and set down the empty bean bag, he looked over at her, confused.
“That entrance is employees only,” he said.
Dani tried not to panic and took off her coat to hang on the hook. “I know, it’s me. Dani.”
Chris blinked once, then twice, then rubbed his eyes. “Oh,” was all he said before returning focus to his task.
That’s one down. Though technically I didn’t tell him anything. For all he knows I’m just a guy who likes makeup. Whatever, Andrew will probably call a mini-meeting like he does for everything. I wonder how many people are working today.
The colder the weather got, the more customers stopped in for a warm drink. That meant more people on a shift. Andrew, her manager, was the only guaranteed co-worker she knew would be there. While she wasn’t excited to tell a ton of people at once, it did mean the news would spread faster and they could move on faster.
She was already afraid that rumors were popping up the other day when she came to work with her ears pierced. After spending twenty minutes trying to hide them behind her hair, she gave up and came to work with a lie prepared about losing a dare. It was weak and led to more questions than she knew how to answer.
At least they noticed my new piercings…
As she punched in her start time, her thoughts shifted to Ryan. They had been spending more time together than ever. Cuddling and watching movies, playing video games, going out to restaurants. Yet she felt as if he was somehow paying less attention to her than usual.
It had been a week since she went shopping with Rachel and returned with holes in her earlobes, and he had said nothing. Simon and her co-workers noticed instantly and complimented her.
It’s not like I need him to say nice things about me, but if he would at least give some indication he knows about it that would be nice! There’s no way that’s too much to ask, right?
Still, she remained optimistic. Ryan was never a very detail-oriented person, and Dani figured it was something she would have to either get used to or discuss with him. Not that a long, relationship focused conversation sounded that great to her. The last thing she wanted was to scare off the cute guy that was finally spending time with her.
She had even told him about her plans to come out to her co-workers that day and he was nothing but supportive. He at one point asked if she wanted him to come with as a pretend customer in case something went wrong.
He really is sweet.
The familiar smell of fresh coffee kept her mood high and reminded her it was time to work. She tied her hair back and threw on her employee cap, at last ready for the day.
But maybe something really is wrong. He hasn’t tried to push past cuddling. Did he lose some attraction to me?
Dani thought back to when she had woken up after their tea and movie, snuggling into Ryan’s chest. At first she thought it was a dream. Then, when it became clear it was real, she hoped it would lead to a more intimate encounter. She wasn’t picky, just the same type of kissing they had done before Thanksgiving would do her fine.
Did he only feel comfortable doing that because of alcohol? What, does that mean I took advantage of him?
Even after months of hormone therapy, she was finding her growing sexuality concerning. A whole life of feeling little to no sexual attraction was what she was used to. Now that she had these new feelings, she wondered if she was dealing with them appropriately.
Was falling asleep on him too much? Should I have asked first?
Whenever she got physically close to Ryan, she felt a void open in her stomach. It led nowhere and didn’t hold a steady shape, but it controlled her decision making, and made certain things hard to think about and others too easy to think about. All she wanted was to be closer to him, for him to wrap his arms around her and for nothing else to exist. She didn’t want the decisions she made in that state to drive him away.
Whatever. He didn’t complain. I’m overthinking things, that’s what. I have something bigger to deal with for now.
She walked to the front of the shop where she expected her manager to be. Sure enough, Andrew was stacking pastries into a display case before they opened the doors. Next to him, Maddy was mopping the floor where it looked like a drink was spilled. She was a co-worker who started around the same time as Dani, though she was much younger than anyone else there, being a high school senior.
Neither of them looked as Dani forced herself to walk toward them and clear her throat.
“Hey,” she said in her trained voice, “I have something to say really quick before we open.”
Both her manager and colleague looked over their shoulders before slowly turning their entire bodies around.
“Danny?” Andrew said after glancing at her name tag.
Maddy didn’t speak but had a knowing smile on her face, as if she had seen the day coming for who knows how long.
“Yeah, hey. Sorry I didn’t send a text about this.” Dani knew her face must have been burning bright red and was thankful she couldn’t see it herself. “I’d like to go by Danielle now. But Dani for short is still okay.”
From the back, Chris had walked in and was leaning against the wall. All three didn’t speak, instead sharing looks at one another.
Maddy was the first to say anything. “Of course! I fully support you.”
“Yeah,” Andrew said after a pause. “Yeah, I don’t see any problem with it. Let me know if anyone says anything and I’ll intervene, alright?”
Dani smiled and nodded. “Sure! And you don’t have to worry about keeping it a secret or anything, it would be annoying to explain every shift until the whole place knows. So… you can say something in the group chat. If you want.”
Chris murmured words that Dani couldn’t parse and headed back to what he was doing, which she assumed was a side effect of it being before six in the morning.
Huh. All in all, not bad. Every time I come out, I just end up wishing I’d done it sooner.
Out of nowhere, Maddy reached for Dani’s name tag, causing her to clench up and let out a yelp.
“Sorry! Didn’t mean to shock you.” She unpinned the tag as she spoke. “I figured I would go update this with the label maker in the break room, if that’s okay.”
Dani set one hand on the counter and the other on her chest as she caught her breath. “Oh! Yeah, that would be fine. You can make it D-A-N-I, please and thank you.”
Her co-worker grinned and disappeared.
I appreciate the thought but I appreciate my personal space more, if I’m being honest. As long as she has the right intentions, I guess I won’t complain.
She realized how strange it was for her to be bothered, even slightly, by someone as supportive as Maddy. At one point she thought nobody in the world would understand her and each day she was proven to be wrong.
I need to be more grateful to those like her.
Dani walked to the sink and began to wash some of the equipment used in their opening setup. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw Chris leering at her, but when she turned he was already out of sight. Again, she chalked it up to everyone being tired, herself included.
Three days before her birthday, Dani found herself nervous to go to work. She managed to get out of her car after hyping herself up for a few minutes, but couldn’t seem to grab the handle to the back entrance of the building and go inside. The cold didn’t persuade her either way, as her new fuzzy white coat kept her warm and it hadn’t snowed since the day before.
It’s not a big deal. I’ve done this so many times by now, I should be immune to fear!
She looked at her phone and saw she had six more minutes to waste before she was due to clock in. In a small window she saw her reflection; her makeup, her clothes. She smiled.
I’m Dani. It’s time they know that too.
No longer paralyzed, she opened the door and entered The Mug.
Immediately she saw Chris pouring coffee beans into the grinder. He was a newer employee, only there for a month by then, and never left much of an impression on her. He was average height and build, with a fading tan leftover by the warm climate he moved from.
After he turned on the grinder and set down the empty bean bag, he looked over at her, confused.
“That entrance is employees only,” he said.
Dani tried not to panic and took off her coat to hang on the hook. “I know, it’s me. Dani.”
Chris blinked once, then twice, then rubbed his eyes. “Oh,” was all he said before returning focus to his task.
That’s one down. Though technically I didn’t tell him anything. For all he knows I’m just a guy who likes makeup. Whatever, Andrew will probably call a mini-meeting like he does for everything. I wonder how many people are working today.
The colder the weather got, the more customers stopped in for a warm drink. That meant more people on a shift. Andrew, her manager, was the only guaranteed co-worker she knew would be there. While she wasn’t excited to tell a ton of people at once, it did mean the news would spread faster and they could move on faster.
She was already afraid that rumors were popping up the other day when she came to work with her ears pierced. After spending twenty minutes trying to hide them behind her hair, she gave up and came to work with a lie prepared about losing a dare. It was weak and led to more questions than she knew how to answer.
At least they noticed my new piercings…
As she punched in her start time, her thoughts shifted to Ryan. They had been spending more time together than ever. Cuddling and watching movies, playing video games, going out to restaurants. Yet she felt as if he was somehow paying less attention to her than usual.
It had been a week since she went shopping with Rachel and returned with holes in her earlobes, and he had said nothing. Simon and her co-workers noticed instantly and complimented her.
It’s not like I need him to say nice things about me, but if he would at least give some indication he knows about it that would be nice! There’s no way that’s too much to ask, right?
Still, she remained optimistic. Ryan was never a very detail-oriented person, and Dani figured it was something she would have to either get used to or discuss with him. Not that a long, relationship focused conversation sounded that great to her. The last thing she wanted was to scare off the cute guy that was finally spending time with her.
She had even told him about her plans to come out to her co-workers that day and he was nothing but supportive. He at one point asked if she wanted him to come with as a pretend customer in case something went wrong.
He really is sweet.
The familiar smell of fresh coffee kept her mood high and reminded her it was time to work. She tied her hair back and threw on her employee cap, at last ready for the day.
But maybe something really is wrong. He hasn’t tried to push past cuddling. Did he lose some attraction to me?
Dani thought back to when she had woken up after their tea and movie, snuggling into Ryan’s chest. At first she thought it was a dream. Then, when it became clear it was real, she hoped it would lead to a more intimate encounter. She wasn’t picky, just the same type of kissing they had done before Thanksgiving would do her fine.
Did he only feel comfortable doing that because of alcohol? What, does that mean I took advantage of him?
Even after months of hormone therapy, she was finding her growing sexuality concerning. A whole life of feeling little to no sexual attraction was what she was used to. Now that she had these new feelings, she wondered if she was dealing with them appropriately.
Was falling asleep on him too much? Should I have asked first?
Whenever she got physically close to Ryan, she felt a void open in her stomach. It led nowhere and didn’t hold a steady shape, but it controlled her decision making, and made certain things hard to think about and others too easy to think about. All she wanted was to be closer to him, for him to wrap his arms around her and for nothing else to exist. She didn’t want the decisions she made in that state to drive him away.
Whatever. He didn’t complain. I’m overthinking things, that’s what. I have something bigger to deal with for now.
She walked to the front of the shop where she expected her manager to be. Sure enough, Andrew was stacking pastries into a display case before they opened the doors. Next to him, Maddy was mopping the floor where it looked like a drink was spilled. She was a co-worker who started around the same time as Dani, though she was much younger than anyone else there, being a high school senior.
Neither of them looked as Dani forced herself to walk toward them and clear her throat.
“Hey,” she said in her trained voice, “I have something to say really quick before we open.”
Both her manager and colleague looked over their shoulders before slowly turning their entire bodies around.
“Danny?” Andrew said after glancing at her name tag.
Maddy didn’t speak but had a knowing smile on her face, as if she had seen the day coming for who knows how long.
“Yeah, hey. Sorry I didn’t send a text about this.” Dani knew her face must have been burning bright red and was thankful she couldn’t see it herself. “I’d like to go by Danielle now. But Dani for short is still okay.”
From the back, Chris had walked in and was leaning against the wall. All three didn’t speak, instead sharing looks at one another.
Maddy was the first to say anything. “Of course! I fully support you.”
“Yeah,” Andrew said after a pause. “Yeah, I don’t see any problem with it. Let me know if anyone says anything and I’ll intervene, alright?”
Dani smiled and nodded. “Sure! And you don’t have to worry about keeping it a secret or anything, it would be annoying to explain every shift until the whole place knows. So… you can say something in the group chat. If you want.”
Chris murmured words that Dani couldn’t parse and headed back to what he was doing, which she assumed was a side effect of it being before six in the morning.
Huh. All in all, not bad. Every time I come out, I just end up wishing I’d done it sooner.
Out of nowhere, Maddy reached for Dani’s name tag, causing her to clench up and let out a yelp.
“Sorry! Didn’t mean to shock you.” She unpinned the tag as she spoke. “I figured I would go update this with the label maker in the break room, if that’s okay.”
Dani set one hand on the counter and the other on her chest as she caught her breath. “Oh! Yeah, that would be fine. You can make it D-A-N-I, please and thank you.”
Her co-worker grinned and disappeared.
I appreciate the thought but I appreciate my personal space more, if I’m being honest. As long as she has the right intentions, I guess I won’t complain.
She realized how strange it was for her to be bothered, even slightly, by someone as supportive as Maddy. At one point she thought nobody in the world would understand her and each day she was proven to be wrong.
I need to be more grateful to those like her.
Dani walked to the sink and began to wash some of the equipment used in their opening setup. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw Chris leering at her, but when she turned he was already out of sight. Again, she chalked it up to everyone being tired, herself included.
