“Aska, the batteries are out of juice again!” I shouted through the room as the fortune teller ball went dark.
“Then recharge them?” Aska asked annoyed as he was quite engrossed in his book about mating rituals of robins … oddly specific, but I was reading a book about sperm whales while hating the water so there was that.
“You know I´m bad with these technology thingies.” I tapped the glass ball a few times, but as nothing changes I only looked at Aska demandingly.
“You only refuse to do it because you don’t want to admit that the Roomba I got was a great idea.” He growled angrily, probably still crying for that circular thing that scooted through the house and made a lot of noise.
“It has no natural predators in this house!” I exclaimed loudly. If it suddenly started to reproduce … I wasn’t entirely sure where we would end then.
“It´s not an animal!” He screamed loudly.
“It moves, it sucks in air, and it is noisy. And besides … I have seen it having sex with our sofa.” I said, clearly remembering how that thing touched the base of the sofa time and time again, sexually motivated of course. That, I could see it in its back and forth movements …
“… fine. I´ll recharge the batteries.” He said, stood up from the sofa and changed the batteries in the pedestal of the ball. As soon as he finished, the ball sprang back to life, showing Hannah how she fought against two trolls on horseback while the others rode ahead.
“Oh, oh! “Ope the gates to purgat'ry and beyond. Alloweth me free traveleth to the lodging i desire to beest, alloweth me to squeezeth mine own soul though reality itself. Soul Gate.” I slipped through reality and immediately chanted my second spell. “Alloweth hannah to seeth mine own truest f'rm. Maketh mine own soul visible to h'r in the dunnest of lights. Alloweth reality bendeth 'round me to appeareth in front of h'r. Manifest Soul.”
“Hannah! Over there!” I screamed and pointed east, directly towards a group of bulls. She immediately dug her heels into the war horse and rode off into the distance while I let myself be pulled back towards the archipelago. It played out exactly like I hoped it would. She immediately got the attention of these bulls and drew them towards the horde of demons waiting on the bridge. Hundreds of them died through that alone. Many more died as Hannah fought on the bridge all alone and the rest were swiftly disposed of by the soldiers in the fortress or Hannah´s knights.
I gave myself a thumbs up and immediately chanted my two spells once more, bringing my soul to the bridge right beside Hannah and making myself visible to her.
“Good job.” I said happily.
“That’s all? Good job?” She asked a bit dejected.
“I´m proud of you?” I said and I genuinely was. The progress she made over the last two hundred years was astonishing.
“That’s more like it … I missed you.” She said and reached out to me.
“Likewise … are you angry?” I grabbed her hand, or at least I pretended to do so because I didn’t have any material form at all.
“A bit …” She admitted slowly.
“I knew I should have written a letter or two.” I said jokingly, thinking about sending a postcard to her eventually.
“… its good to see you again. I really missed that between us.” She said after chuckling a bit.
“It is quite hard to hold my soul here though … I fear we don’t have much time and I still need to learn other spells in the next eight years.” I admitted and honestly felt a bit bad about it.
“So that’s a goodbye again?” She asked immediately.
“Not quite. Hey, could you leave the bridge? I really want to try something out.” I said happily.
“Sure.” She said and immediately headed through the open door.
“Alloweth these trolls to seeth mine own truest f'rm. Maketh mine own soul visible to themin the dunnest of lights. Alloweth reality bendeth 'round me to appeareth in front of those folk. Manifest Soul.” I immediately stuck out my tongue towards them and waved my hands. I was taunting them to come at me with all they got. And one of the two immediately fell for it. They weren’t the brightest creatures around and so, it was no wonder that he took a run-up and then jumped onto me. His foot passed right through me which was honestly quite the weird experience.
And just as I expected, the bridge couldn’t hold out under the impact of the jump and crumbled to pieces faster than the troll could even regain his balance. Hovering in the air, I looked down as he tumbled through the air which made me laugh madly. As soon as he splashed into the water down below, I turned around towards Hannah and waved at her one last time before going back again.
“That was fun!” I said, looking at Aska and Irminsul in utter amazement as they were quarrelling whether the robin tried to avoid a terminal death by producing offspring, or he tried to produce new life. “What kind of pointless discussion are you having there?”
“Are they save?” Irminsul asked immediately.
“The robin definitely … who is safe?” Aska asked completely oblivious.
“Aska, I kept nagging about this damned fortune teller ball for a day and you haven´t even noticed what was going on?”
“Sure I did … we were talking about Betsy, right?” Betsy? Was there another woman I needed to murder?
“Yeah … anyways, they made it to safety … wow, do you see that battle?” I pointed towards the ball which showed a grandiouse battle mostly by elves and a few humans against hordes of demons who tried to cross a river.
“Yeah? I thought that was the game of thrones finale we were all hoping for?” Aska asked while shaking his head in disappointment.
“You and your goddamn fantasy books … oh, some are slipping past … and the gap closed again. Wow the teamwork of the demons is really sloppy.” I pointed at the few demons slipping through enemy lines and already imagined the havoc they could cause, doing my best to keep drool from escaping my mouth.
“What do you expect from monsters which lost most of their intelligence?”
“Bad jokes? A lot of puns maybe? Oh, catgirls! Look, they are fighting on the human side …” I said and watched how they were torn to shreds by a troll club. “… they fought on the human side. Anyways, I better tell Hannah to hurry up and get away from the area as they seem to head to her. Irminsul, would you be so kind?”
“Uhh, why don’t you teleport yourself?” She asked a while raising her eyebrow.
“… I can’t?” My soul was quite tattered already. I knew that if I went on like this, it would start to hurt really badly and would go crazy eventually. “Oh, and make me visible to Hannah please. Ten seconds should be fine.”
And with that, I was teleported through the powers of life itself towards Hannah. I immediately felt the urge to puke as I stood in the front of the canteen and held my mouth. I never puked once in my life, but I still knew that it would come out of my mouth. After a few seconds though, my imaginary belly calmed down and I was able to speak again.
“Heyho! More demons are probably heading here, so it´s better if you pack your things and head south right away.” I said and vanished instantly afterwards. Hannah didn´t waste much time afterwards, gathered the remains of her units and headed out a few minutes later.
“Hey, Irminsul, what do you think about smart … smartphoins?” I asked as watching them was quite bored after some time.
“Smartphones? I personally don’t use them … they feel so dead in my hands.” She said while frowning.
“Exactly my thought as we… Aska, give me your Smartphoin.” I said and yanked it out of his hands as he gave it to me, finally sure to bring technology into my life. I closed my eyes, felt the death around me and immediately noticed that there was nothing dead in this metallic thing.
“Yep … trash.” I said and threw it behind me, hitting the water filled sink perfectly. “Monopoly?”
“Why not …” Aska said while looking in the direction of the destroyed metallic thingy.
“I´m not doing that anymore! You two are always haggling for every cent and always do this shitty strategy of buying up every house there is!” Yeah … and that was why either Aska or I won whenever we played it. Honestly, after so much time playing it I thought Irmsunsul got the hang of it as well, but nope. She didn’t.
“But that’s how you play the game?” I asked slowly.
“Ahhh! How do you two even manage to live together?” She said while ruffing her green hair.
“Murder, “ I started and looked at Aska.
“a lot of kinky shit,” He continued.
“time without the other,” I said.
“and even more murders certainly help with that.” He ended the sentence and we high fived each other.
“Okay, okay. Let us play monopoly.” Finally, the goddess of life relented.
In the end, Aska won. Damn it. I knew I should have bought the New York Avenue when I had the chance.
“Aska, the batteries are out of juice again!” I shouted through the room as the fortune teller ball went dark.
“Then recharge them?” Aska asked annoyed as he was quite engrossed in his book about mating rituals of robins … oddly specific, but I was reading a book about sperm whales while hating the water so there was that.
“You know I´m bad with these technology thingies.” I tapped the glass ball a few times, but as nothing changes I only looked at Aska demandingly.
“You only refuse to do it because you don’t want to admit that the Roomba I got was a great idea.” He growled angrily, probably still crying for that circular thing that scooted through the house and made a lot of noise.
“It has no natural predators in this house!” I exclaimed loudly. If it suddenly started to reproduce … I wasn’t entirely sure where we would end then.
“It´s not an animal!” He screamed loudly.
“It moves, it sucks in air, and it is noisy. And besides … I have seen it having sex with our sofa.” I said, clearly remembering how that thing touched the base of the sofa time and time again, sexually motivated of course. That, I could see it in its back and forth movements …
“… fine. I´ll recharge the batteries.” He said, stood up from the sofa and changed the batteries in the pedestal of the ball. As soon as he finished, the ball sprang back to life, showing Hannah how she fought against two trolls on horseback while the others rode ahead.
“Oh, oh! “Ope the gates to purgat'ry and beyond. Alloweth me free traveleth to the lodging i desire to beest, alloweth me to squeezeth mine own soul though reality itself. Soul Gate.” I slipped through reality and immediately chanted my second spell. “Alloweth hannah to seeth mine own truest f'rm. Maketh mine own soul visible to h'r in the dunnest of lights. Alloweth reality bendeth 'round me to appeareth in front of h'r. Manifest Soul.”
“Hannah! Over there!” I screamed and pointed east, directly towards a group of bulls. She immediately dug her heels into the war horse and rode off into the distance while I let myself be pulled back towards the archipelago. It played out exactly like I hoped it would. She immediately got the attention of these bulls and drew them towards the horde of demons waiting on the bridge. Hundreds of them died through that alone. Many more died as Hannah fought on the bridge all alone and the rest were swiftly disposed of by the soldiers in the fortress or Hannah´s knights.
I gave myself a thumbs up and immediately chanted my two spells once more, bringing my soul to the bridge right beside Hannah and making myself visible to her.
“Good job.” I said happily.
“That’s all? Good job?” She asked a bit dejected.
“I´m proud of you?” I said and I genuinely was. The progress she made over the last two hundred years was astonishing.
“That’s more like it … I missed you.” She said and reached out to me.
“Likewise … are you angry?” I grabbed her hand, or at least I pretended to do so because I didn’t have any material form at all.
“A bit …” She admitted slowly.
“I knew I should have written a letter or two.” I said jokingly, thinking about sending a postcard to her eventually.
“… its good to see you again. I really missed that between us.” She said after chuckling a bit.
“It is quite hard to hold my soul here though … I fear we don’t have much time and I still need to learn other spells in the next eight years.” I admitted and honestly felt a bit bad about it.
“So that’s a goodbye again?” She asked immediately.
“Not quite. Hey, could you leave the bridge? I really want to try something out.” I said happily.
“Sure.” She said and immediately headed through the open door.
“Alloweth these trolls to seeth mine own truest f'rm. Maketh mine own soul visible to themin the dunnest of lights. Alloweth reality bendeth 'round me to appeareth in front of those folk. Manifest Soul.” I immediately stuck out my tongue towards them and waved my hands. I was taunting them to come at me with all they got. And one of the two immediately fell for it. They weren’t the brightest creatures around and so, it was no wonder that he took a run-up and then jumped onto me. His foot passed right through me which was honestly quite the weird experience.
And just as I expected, the bridge couldn’t hold out under the impact of the jump and crumbled to pieces faster than the troll could even regain his balance. Hovering in the air, I looked down as he tumbled through the air which made me laugh madly. As soon as he splashed into the water down below, I turned around towards Hannah and waved at her one last time before going back again.
“That was fun!” I said, looking at Aska and Irminsul in utter amazement as they were quarrelling whether the robin tried to avoid a terminal death by producing offspring, or he tried to produce new life. “What kind of pointless discussion are you having there?”
“Are they save?” Irminsul asked immediately.
“The robin definitely … who is safe?” Aska asked completely oblivious.
“Aska, I kept nagging about this damned fortune teller ball for a day and you haven´t even noticed what was going on?”
“Sure I did … we were talking about Betsy, right?” Betsy? Was there another woman I needed to murder?
“Yeah … anyways, they made it to safety … wow, do you see that battle?” I pointed towards the ball which showed a grandiouse battle mostly by elves and a few humans against hordes of demons who tried to cross a river.
“Yeah? I thought that was the game of thrones finale we were all hoping for?” Aska asked while shaking his head in disappointment.
“You and your goddamn fantasy books … oh, some are slipping past … and the gap closed again. Wow the teamwork of the demons is really sloppy.” I pointed at the few demons slipping through enemy lines and already imagined the havoc they could cause, doing my best to keep drool from escaping my mouth.
“What do you expect from monsters which lost most of their intelligence?”
“Bad jokes? A lot of puns maybe? Oh, catgirls! Look, they are fighting on the human side …” I said and watched how they were torn to shreds by a troll club. “… they fought on the human side. Anyways, I better tell Hannah to hurry up and get away from the area as they seem to head to her. Irminsul, would you be so kind?”
“Uhh, why don’t you teleport yourself?” She asked a while raising her eyebrow.
“… I can’t?” My soul was quite tattered already. I knew that if I went on like this, it would start to hurt really badly and would go crazy eventually. “Oh, and make me visible to Hannah please. Ten seconds should be fine.”
And with that, I was teleported through the powers of life itself towards Hannah. I immediately felt the urge to puke as I stood in the front of the canteen and held my mouth. I never puked once in my life, but I still knew that it would come out of my mouth. After a few seconds though, my imaginary belly calmed down and I was able to speak again.
“Heyho! More demons are probably heading here, so it´s better if you pack your things and head south right away.” I said and vanished instantly afterwards. Hannah didn´t waste much time afterwards, gathered the remains of her units and headed out a few minutes later.
“Hey, Irminsul, what do you think about smart … smartphoins?” I asked as watching them was quite bored after some time.
“Smartphones? I personally don’t use them … they feel so dead in my hands.” She said while frowning.
“Exactly my thought as we… Aska, give me your Smartphoin.” I said and yanked it out of his hands as he gave it to me, finally sure to bring technology into my life. I closed my eyes, felt the death around me and immediately noticed that there was nothing dead in this metallic thing.
“Yep … trash.” I said and threw it behind me, hitting the water filled sink perfectly. “Monopoly?”
“Why not …” Aska said while looking in the direction of the destroyed metallic thingy.
“I´m not doing that anymore! You two are always haggling for every cent and always do this shitty strategy of buying up every house there is!” Yeah … and that was why either Aska or I won whenever we played it. Honestly, after so much time playing it I thought Irmsunsul got the hang of it as well, but nope. She didn’t.
“But that’s how you play the game?” I asked slowly.
“Ahhh! How do you two even manage to live together?” She said while ruffing her green hair.
“Murder, “ I started and looked at Aska.
“a lot of kinky shit,” He continued.
“time without the other,” I said.
“and even more murders certainly help with that.” He ended the sentence and we high fived each other.
“Okay, okay. Let us play monopoly.” Finally, the goddess of life relented.
In the end, Aska won. Damn it. I knew I should have bought the New York Avenue when I had the chance.
