Lately, me standing frozen like a deer caught in headlights in front of open doors, not knowing if I want to go forward, walk back, or just stand there has become pretty common and where I’m going with this- why I do it, when it started or even why I’m standing here like an idiot now of all times since unlike before, I wasn’t alone and my friends were behind me and standing here, I was able to feel Fafnir and Zath’s stares burning themselves on the back of my head.
Subconsciously, I scratched the nape of my neck while thinking about how their stares were only making things worse which…
Should I just go?
I should just go, shouldn’t I?
I sucked in a deep breath and focused on what was in front of me- a small hallway that led to a pair of gleaming metal doors. I let out a sigh before turning back to the two people who, in all the time I knew them, acted as my therapists and the people I would go to every time I wanted to vent or talk. Right now, they were giving me their “do you need help?” look and that got me to hold back a smile.
I jumped in place, “See you guys later?”
They both nodded at the same time but it was Zath who answered for the two of them, “see you later, mistress.”
“Wish me luck,” nodding, I returned my maid’s smile before looking forward and heading out the door.
Bringing one or both with me would be good but…
… relying on them all the time is a stupid idea, I know that, and it’s why I’m doing this alone- it’s why I’m talking to my brother alone because Adamantite also deserves something more than… than- me ganging up on him with my friends.
When I go to him and- talk- I guess- I know that there’s going to be problems, and he’s going to lash out but that’s fine, I’ll do my best to understand how he feels about everything that’s been happening lately because the Goddess knows that my problems don’t just affect me after all, it also affected him and because of that, I need to take responsibility for the problems that I caused in the first place.
Alone. Because again, Adamantite deserved better. He isn’t some monster that I need to kill or some deadly villain that I need to pressure, he’s my brother.
I mean, I’m sure that he’s probably also responsible for a few of his problems but the person who started it all was me.
Not Zathania.
Not Laceresta.
And definitely not Fafnir.
And that’s why I need to talk to him alone, because I’m the one who started it, it’s me who’s at fault.
No one else.
I entered the elevator and pressed the button for his suite.
I stood in place as music started to play while the feeling of weightlessness that followed went over my head as I thought about what I wanted to say to my elder brother. Adamntite, I know, isn’t well right now and he’s definitely mad at me for taking over his role of Crown Prince but I’m sure that I can talk him out of whatever state he’s in.
And that’s assuming everyone else hasn’t done that by now.
“Okay-” I started as I watched the arrow at the top stop directly above Adamantite’s floor in the tower, “- just- tell him that you’re gonna become- no- are a Prophecy and that your status as the Crown Princess is just going to be nulled,” in front of me, my reflection smiled tightly and gave me a nod.
“Okay, great- go me-” I gulped and trodded forward when the doors opened, “go me~~~~” I encouraged weakly.
Liminal space or whatever- I don’t know what the concept really means but in my past life, whenever I encountered that particular word on the internet, I always saw these… weird places that looked so wrong but were still perfectly normal: like empty rooms with sterile white walls, playgrounds with no kid playing inside of them, or- or- abandoned malls that in the surface, look empty but give off this feel of something being inside of it. Hiding.
Watching.
The hallway I was walking on definitely had nothing like that but I couldn’t help it, I felt like something was watching me as I moved, keeping its eyes on my person and body language as I stalked a tunnel that for some reason, feels longer than it should’ve been, the walls feel like they’re closing in on me and my head feels light, my steps turned wobbly and I think I’m going to fall any second now-
I stopped walking before I crashed face first into the wooden door that led to my brother’s room.
A tingling sensation crawled up my spine and I quickly looked around- I found nothing other than empty space and brown walls.
I faced the door again, raised my hand and- after a small amount of trepidation-
I knocked.
My head felt hollow and the dull thud that entered my ears with each knock bounced inside my skull, echoing ever so slightly at first before the slow cascade sped up, getting quicker and quicker until it thrummed along my racing heartbeat-
A creak stopped my thoughts and snapped me back to the present.
Curious, I focused on the small gap in the door and eyed the darkened room beyond, trying to make things out but I stopped and pulled my head back when my brother opened the door fully, his clean shaven face looked annoyed and he was violently scratching the back of his head, “what do you- Neophyte.”
I looked down, “sorry,” was the first word that came out of my mouth, whether or not I should say it wasn’t even a question, I had to- I had to- “for everything.”
“For… everything?” I looked up to meet Adamantite’s glare, “what does that even mean?”
“Well-” I raised both my hands in a half-assed gesture, hoping that it’ll get my mouth going and words of apology would just naturally flow out but- but- I had nothing to say- what- what can I even say here?
I let out a sigh and Adamantite crossed his arms, “well? Well what?”
“I- I know I made a lot of mistakes in the past,” I started, not- not really knowing where I wanted to go with this, I mean- I knew what I wanted to apologize for- and that’s taking my brother’s title as the crown prince but how to actually put it is beyond me. It’s like I can’t find the right things to say, and I’m sure calling out my mistakes isn’t a great start to all of this either, “and I took your title of crown prince because of it,”
Adamantite’s bitter chuckle made me stop fidgeting, “took my title of crown prince?” He shook his head and started laughing, “dear sister, it’s not set in stone yet- I will take it back,”
“That’s-” I let out a frustrated sigh and resisted the urge to pull on my hair- idiot- I- I’m so stupid, the title doesn’t even matter right now, I’m a Prophecy and I came here because I wanted to tell him just that. Idiot- of course talking about taking his title is going to piss him off.
“I can’t become the Queen.” I met his glare with a softer gaze of my own, I lowered my head, “I’m a Prophecy.”
If- if me saying- lying about the fact that I’m a Saintess is going to- to fix my mistakes and help my brother feel better about himself then I’ll gladly do it, people already think that I possess that role in the Hero’s party so what’s the harm of admitting to it and falsely claiming it? Lucille is going to pick the right Saintess to be in her party at some point and I’d get a lot of heat thrown my way for doing this but for now-
This is good enough.
I hope that the Goddess forgives me for what I’m doing because I’m lying about the fact that I’m a Prophecy.
I hope my gamble pays off. I hope- there’s so many things I can hope for and none of them are going to come if I just stand around like an idiot.
“I’m really sorry for making you feel-” I was cut off.
“You’re right.” Adamantite sounded a bit breathless- why? I felt a gnawing ache in my gut and I stopped myself from reflexively stepping back.
I stared at him, nothing seemed wrong with him- his sudden burst of laughter made me flinch and I called my Pledge- which got recalled when I saw my brother grab his face while his knees gave up and collapsed from under him. All the while his laughter didn’t stop- “Adamantite?” I went close to him and shook him but his laughter didn’t stop- nothing like this happened in game- was he cursed-
And as suddenly as he had started laughing he just… stopped. Abruptly.
I flinched when he sighed, “your older brother is an idiot.” I stared at him, wondering what the hell he was talking about. He let out what sounded like a pained chuckle, “I’m sorry,” he said, expression looking as though he was trying to swallow something bitter, his eyes never leaving the ground, “I- I’m stupid. I wasn’t thinking-”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, genuinely confused.
He shook his head, “sorry,” he said as he placed his hands on my shoulders and pushed himself up, “it was- this was unbecoming of me,” he smiled at me and offered me a hand, I took it and let him lift me up, “the… nobles- they said that you were a threat to me and I believed them,” he let out a scoff and I didn’t know if it was just me or what but that small action oddly warmed our surroundings, “I’m sorry, dear sister.”
I stopped searching for a non-existent Envy Demon and narrowed my eyes at him- was he… responsible for people like John Doe tailing me around too?
At the thought of that my… breathing became audible and air rang loudly in my ears, gusts of wind that did nothing more than cause the throb at the top of my head to worsen every time I heard them- I looked at Adamantite through a hazy scope- Something was wrenching my chest- tightening it-
I grit my teeth-
I- wow- isn’t- he- but he’s supposed to be my brother isn’t he? Shouldn’t he be helping me? So what? He just went along with what the faction supporting him said? Without even thinking about what it can mean?
My breathing became louder and I- I-
I closed my eyes and clenched my fist- I gulped down the anger-
- I let out an incoherent scream and punched the wall to my right.
“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE-” A punch to the gut cut me off and I wheezed- I looked up and met my brother’s glare with my own.
“Supposed to be what? Sister?” He grit out calmly, “you didn’t even tell us about any of- of-” He raised his hands and paced back and forth before facing me with a twisted expression- his hands went down to gesture at me- as if I was the problem- “THIS!”
“WHAT?!” I yelled back, “WHAT?! WHAT DIDN’T I SAY TO ANY OF YOU?!”
He raised a fist and I readied myself warily, I didn’t relax even as his body started shaking, even as he only glared at me and did nothing else.
He let out a sound that was torn between laughter and a whine- then his fist went down and he stared up at the ceiling and… he stayed like that for a scant few seconds before facing me, “what didn’t you say to any of us? Dear sister?” He said slowly, voice on the edge of breaking. “What didn’t you say to any of us?” He repeated, the rhetorical question turning into an echo that started plaguing my thoughts.
I shook my head and took a step back, he stepped forward.
He pointed at me- “HOW?” He asked, sounding confused himself, how what? I didn’t know- “You- you could’ve-” Imitating my breakdown earlier, he punched the wall in anger, “WHY?!”
“WHY WHAT!?” I snapped back.
“Why what?” He stepped forward, I stepped back, “why what?” He took another threatening step and I stood- I stood in place and faced him, unflinching and ready to call my Pledge, I don’t care if he’s my brother- I- I’m going to hurt him if it means I get to save myself-
He laughed, “you- this- THIS IS WHY!” He yelled straight to my face, “YOU’RE STRONG- YOU KNOW ALL OF THESE- THESE THINGS-”
“I’M A PROPHECY!” I yelled back, desperation tinging my own voice as I felt the lie eat away at my morality, I was wrong- this was wrong, I know but- but- I can’t help it- I need to lie or else I won’t know what to say- “Y- DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF-”
“I do.” My brother grit out, “and that’s why- you- I- you could’ve told us you were a Prophecy- could’ve made it obvious- if you just accepted your role-”
I laughed bitterly, “so it’s my fault now is it?”
“Who else? Dear sister?” My brother replied with a condescending grin, “it’s you who’s the problem isn’t it?”
“Oh, and not because you’re a jealous piece of shit?” I bit out in anger, “is it so hard to just take a step back for a little bit and think things through, brother?” I mirrored Adamanitite’s expression, “smell the roses? Maybe even realize that my title of crown princess is downright pointless?”
“Smell the roses? Sister?” Adamantite shook his head, “I don’t see the point- especially when someone is taking in all my attention.” He pointed at me, “how else was I supposed to think things through when you’re out there making me feel as if everything I’ve built is crumbling around me?” He laughed, “and somehow you say that I’m jealous? Of what? The fact that my sister is ruining everything I’ve done for myself since I was young?”
I tried to find a retort but Adamantite was faster to speak, “was it really a surprise that I couldn’t think sister?” He narrowed his eyes and I felt my lips twist into a frown, a whine was trying to escape my throat- “was it really a surprise that you- you’re existence made me the way I am?”
“I-” find something- a word- say ANYTHING-
“Because of you I became the way I am-” I took a step back, Adamantite stepped forward, “if you didn’t exist- wasn’t born- wasn’t chosen- where would we be now, I wonder?”
“Stop.”
“What? Stop what?” Adamantite laughed, “you want me to stop? But I’m right aren’t I? It’s you who’s at fault for everything- you were the one who caused the world to be in this state, you were the one who made me the way I am and if you didn’t exist no one would be-”
“STOP!” I begged as the dam broke and tears streamed down my face- I raised a sleeve and wiped it- “I SAID I WAS SORRY!” I whined- they didn’t- nothing stopped- “I’M DOING MY BEST TO FIX EVERYTHING AREN’T I?!”
“Neo-” through my blurred vision, I saw a hand- I slapped it away-
“SHUT UP!”
“Look-”
My brother’s calm, careful tone only made the bitter ache in my heart grow worse and it wanted me to scream- tempted me to start lashing out- I wanted to- desperately- but I didn’t- I couldn’t- I only weeped- I punched my brother as he went near me for a hug- I pushed him away- he didn’t budge- I hammered his back with my fist as I cried- nothing-
And he stayed by my side until my whines turned to snivels and my tears ran dry, “you okay?” He asked softly, I nodded, “I’m sorry.”
“Shut up,” I weakly replied.
He hugged me tighter and… thankfully didn’t say anything else.
A part of me wished he did.
Lately, me standing frozen like a deer caught in headlights in front of open doors, not knowing if I want to go forward, walk back, or just stand there has become pretty common and where I’m going with this- why I do it, when it started or even why I’m standing here like an idiot now of all times since unlike before, I wasn’t alone and my friends were behind me and standing here, I was able to feel Fafnir and Zath’s stares burning themselves on the back of my head.
Subconsciously, I scratched the nape of my neck while thinking about how their stares were only making things worse which…
Should I just go?
I should just go, shouldn’t I?
I sucked in a deep breath and focused on what was in front of me- a small hallway that led to a pair of gleaming metal doors. I let out a sigh before turning back to the two people who, in all the time I knew them, acted as my therapists and the people I would go to every time I wanted to vent or talk. Right now, they were giving me their “do you need help?” look and that got me to hold back a smile.
I jumped in place, “See you guys later?”
They both nodded at the same time but it was Zath who answered for the two of them, “see you later, mistress.”
“Wish me luck,” nodding, I returned my maid’s smile before looking forward and heading out the door.
Bringing one or both with me would be good but…
… relying on them all the time is a stupid idea, I know that, and it’s why I’m doing this alone- it’s why I’m talking to my brother alone because Adamantite also deserves something more than… than- me ganging up on him with my friends.
When I go to him and- talk- I guess- I know that there’s going to be problems, and he’s going to lash out but that’s fine, I’ll do my best to understand how he feels about everything that’s been happening lately because the Goddess knows that my problems don’t just affect me after all, it also affected him and because of that, I need to take responsibility for the problems that I caused in the first place.
Alone. Because again, Adamantite deserved better. He isn’t some monster that I need to kill or some deadly villain that I need to pressure, he’s my brother.
I mean, I’m sure that he’s probably also responsible for a few of his problems but the person who started it all was me.
Not Zathania.
Not Laceresta.
And definitely not Fafnir.
And that’s why I need to talk to him alone, because I’m the one who started it, it’s me who’s at fault.
No one else.
I entered the elevator and pressed the button for his suite.
I stood in place as music started to play while the feeling of weightlessness that followed went over my head as I thought about what I wanted to say to my elder brother. Adamntite, I know, isn’t well right now and he’s definitely mad at me for taking over his role of Crown Prince but I’m sure that I can talk him out of whatever state he’s in.
And that’s assuming everyone else hasn’t done that by now.
“Okay-” I started as I watched the arrow at the top stop directly above Adamantite’s floor in the tower, “- just- tell him that you’re gonna become- no- are a Prophecy and that your status as the Crown Princess is just going to be nulled,” in front of me, my reflection smiled tightly and gave me a nod.
“Okay, great- go me-” I gulped and trodded forward when the doors opened, “go me~~~~” I encouraged weakly.
Liminal space or whatever- I don’t know what the concept really means but in my past life, whenever I encountered that particular word on the internet, I always saw these… weird places that looked so wrong but were still perfectly normal: like empty rooms with sterile white walls, playgrounds with no kid playing inside of them, or- or- abandoned malls that in the surface, look empty but give off this feel of something being inside of it. Hiding.
Watching.
The hallway I was walking on definitely had nothing like that but I couldn’t help it, I felt like something was watching me as I moved, keeping its eyes on my person and body language as I stalked a tunnel that for some reason, feels longer than it should’ve been, the walls feel like they’re closing in on me and my head feels light, my steps turned wobbly and I think I’m going to fall any second now-
I stopped walking before I crashed face first into the wooden door that led to my brother’s room.
A tingling sensation crawled up my spine and I quickly looked around- I found nothing other than empty space and brown walls.
I faced the door again, raised my hand and- after a small amount of trepidation-
I knocked.
My head felt hollow and the dull thud that entered my ears with each knock bounced inside my skull, echoing ever so slightly at first before the slow cascade sped up, getting quicker and quicker until it thrummed along my racing heartbeat-
A creak stopped my thoughts and snapped me back to the present.
Curious, I focused on the small gap in the door and eyed the darkened room beyond, trying to make things out but I stopped and pulled my head back when my brother opened the door fully, his clean shaven face looked annoyed and he was violently scratching the back of his head, “what do you- Neophyte.”
I looked down, “sorry,” was the first word that came out of my mouth, whether or not I should say it wasn’t even a question, I had to- I had to- “for everything.”
“For… everything?” I looked up to meet Adamantite’s glare, “what does that even mean?”
“Well-” I raised both my hands in a half-assed gesture, hoping that it’ll get my mouth going and words of apology would just naturally flow out but- but- I had nothing to say- what- what can I even say here?
I let out a sigh and Adamantite crossed his arms, “well? Well what?”
“I- I know I made a lot of mistakes in the past,” I started, not- not really knowing where I wanted to go with this, I mean- I knew what I wanted to apologize for- and that’s taking my brother’s title as the crown prince but how to actually put it is beyond me. It’s like I can’t find the right things to say, and I’m sure calling out my mistakes isn’t a great start to all of this either, “and I took your title of crown prince because of it,”
Adamantite’s bitter chuckle made me stop fidgeting, “took my title of crown prince?” He shook his head and started laughing, “dear sister, it’s not set in stone yet- I will take it back,”
“That’s-” I let out a frustrated sigh and resisted the urge to pull on my hair- idiot- I- I’m so stupid, the title doesn’t even matter right now, I’m a Prophecy and I came here because I wanted to tell him just that. Idiot- of course talking about taking his title is going to piss him off.
“I can’t become the Queen.” I met his glare with a softer gaze of my own, I lowered my head, “I’m a Prophecy.”
If- if me saying- lying about the fact that I’m a Saintess is going to- to fix my mistakes and help my brother feel better about himself then I’ll gladly do it, people already think that I possess that role in the Hero’s party so what’s the harm of admitting to it and falsely claiming it? Lucille is going to pick the right Saintess to be in her party at some point and I’d get a lot of heat thrown my way for doing this but for now-
This is good enough.
I hope that the Goddess forgives me for what I’m doing because I’m lying about the fact that I’m a Prophecy.
I hope my gamble pays off. I hope- there’s so many things I can hope for and none of them are going to come if I just stand around like an idiot.
“I’m really sorry for making you feel-” I was cut off.
“You’re right.” Adamantite sounded a bit breathless- why? I felt a gnawing ache in my gut and I stopped myself from reflexively stepping back.
I stared at him, nothing seemed wrong with him- his sudden burst of laughter made me flinch and I called my Pledge- which got recalled when I saw my brother grab his face while his knees gave up and collapsed from under him. All the while his laughter didn’t stop- “Adamantite?” I went close to him and shook him but his laughter didn’t stop- nothing like this happened in game- was he cursed-
And as suddenly as he had started laughing he just… stopped. Abruptly.
I flinched when he sighed, “your older brother is an idiot.” I stared at him, wondering what the hell he was talking about. He let out what sounded like a pained chuckle, “I’m sorry,” he said, expression looking as though he was trying to swallow something bitter, his eyes never leaving the ground, “I- I’m stupid. I wasn’t thinking-”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, genuinely confused.
He shook his head, “sorry,” he said as he placed his hands on my shoulders and pushed himself up, “it was- this was unbecoming of me,” he smiled at me and offered me a hand, I took it and let him lift me up, “the… nobles- they said that you were a threat to me and I believed them,” he let out a scoff and I didn’t know if it was just me or what but that small action oddly warmed our surroundings, “I’m sorry, dear sister.”
I stopped searching for a non-existent Envy Demon and narrowed my eyes at him- was he… responsible for people like John Doe tailing me around too?
At the thought of that my… breathing became audible and air rang loudly in my ears, gusts of wind that did nothing more than cause the throb at the top of my head to worsen every time I heard them- I looked at Adamantite through a hazy scope- Something was wrenching my chest- tightening it-
I grit my teeth-
I- wow- isn’t- he- but he’s supposed to be my brother isn’t he? Shouldn’t he be helping me? So what? He just went along with what the faction supporting him said? Without even thinking about what it can mean?
My breathing became louder and I- I-
I closed my eyes and clenched my fist- I gulped down the anger-
- I let out an incoherent scream and punched the wall to my right.
“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE-” A punch to the gut cut me off and I wheezed- I looked up and met my brother’s glare with my own.
“Supposed to be what? Sister?” He grit out calmly, “you didn’t even tell us about any of- of-” He raised his hands and paced back and forth before facing me with a twisted expression- his hands went down to gesture at me- as if I was the problem- “THIS!”
“WHAT?!” I yelled back, “WHAT?! WHAT DIDN’T I SAY TO ANY OF YOU?!”
He raised a fist and I readied myself warily, I didn’t relax even as his body started shaking, even as he only glared at me and did nothing else.
He let out a sound that was torn between laughter and a whine- then his fist went down and he stared up at the ceiling and… he stayed like that for a scant few seconds before facing me, “what didn’t you say to any of us? Dear sister?” He said slowly, voice on the edge of breaking. “What didn’t you say to any of us?” He repeated, the rhetorical question turning into an echo that started plaguing my thoughts.
I shook my head and took a step back, he stepped forward.
He pointed at me- “HOW?” He asked, sounding confused himself, how what? I didn’t know- “You- you could’ve-” Imitating my breakdown earlier, he punched the wall in anger, “WHY?!”
“WHY WHAT!?” I snapped back.
“Why what?” He stepped forward, I stepped back, “why what?” He took another threatening step and I stood- I stood in place and faced him, unflinching and ready to call my Pledge, I don’t care if he’s my brother- I- I’m going to hurt him if it means I get to save myself-
He laughed, “you- this- THIS IS WHY!” He yelled straight to my face, “YOU’RE STRONG- YOU KNOW ALL OF THESE- THESE THINGS-”
“I’M A PROPHECY!” I yelled back, desperation tinging my own voice as I felt the lie eat away at my morality, I was wrong- this was wrong, I know but- but- I can’t help it- I need to lie or else I won’t know what to say- “Y- DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF-”
“I do.” My brother grit out, “and that’s why- you- I- you could’ve told us you were a Prophecy- could’ve made it obvious- if you just accepted your role-”
I laughed bitterly, “so it’s my fault now is it?”
“Who else? Dear sister?” My brother replied with a condescending grin, “it’s you who’s the problem isn’t it?”
“Oh, and not because you’re a jealous piece of shit?” I bit out in anger, “is it so hard to just take a step back for a little bit and think things through, brother?” I mirrored Adamanitite’s expression, “smell the roses? Maybe even realize that my title of crown princess is downright pointless?”
“Smell the roses? Sister?” Adamantite shook his head, “I don’t see the point- especially when someone is taking in all my attention.” He pointed at me, “how else was I supposed to think things through when you’re out there making me feel as if everything I’ve built is crumbling around me?” He laughed, “and somehow you say that I’m jealous? Of what? The fact that my sister is ruining everything I’ve done for myself since I was young?”
I tried to find a retort but Adamantite was faster to speak, “was it really a surprise that I couldn’t think sister?” He narrowed his eyes and I felt my lips twist into a frown, a whine was trying to escape my throat- “was it really a surprise that you- you’re existence made me the way I am?”
“I-” find something- a word- say ANYTHING-
“Because of you I became the way I am-” I took a step back, Adamantite stepped forward, “if you didn’t exist- wasn’t born- wasn’t chosen- where would we be now, I wonder?”
“Stop.”
“What? Stop what?” Adamantite laughed, “you want me to stop? But I’m right aren’t I? It’s you who’s at fault for everything- you were the one who caused the world to be in this state, you were the one who made me the way I am and if you didn’t exist no one would be-”
“STOP!” I begged as the dam broke and tears streamed down my face- I raised a sleeve and wiped it- “I SAID I WAS SORRY!” I whined- they didn’t- nothing stopped- “I’M DOING MY BEST TO FIX EVERYTHING AREN’T I?!”
“Neo-” through my blurred vision, I saw a hand- I slapped it away-
“SHUT UP!”
“Look-”
My brother’s calm, careful tone only made the bitter ache in my heart grow worse and it wanted me to scream- tempted me to start lashing out- I wanted to- desperately- but I didn’t- I couldn’t- I only weeped- I punched my brother as he went near me for a hug- I pushed him away- he didn’t budge- I hammered his back with my fist as I cried- nothing-
And he stayed by my side until my whines turned to snivels and my tears ran dry, “you okay?” He asked softly, I nodded, “I’m sorry.”
“Shut up,” I weakly replied.
He hugged me tighter and… thankfully didn’t say anything else.
A part of me wished he did.
