That afternoon, we prepared to leave the forest in earnest. We were pretty well provisioned now, but it also meant more to carry, especially now that Tetora was unable to bear any extra weight.
“I’ll be just fine. Just give me back my rucksack!” Tetora demanded.
“No,” Aleph replied bluntly.
“It is a command, not a suggestion!”
Aleph raised an eyebrow. “Show me you can lift your arms above your head and hold them there for 30 seconds.”
Tetora hesitated, then turned and snorted angrily.
“Just as I thought,” Aleph murmured. “We’ll take breaks every fifteen minutes.”
Our pace was slow, but it was necessary. Although Tetora refused to complain about his injuries, it was clear he was feeling their effects. His legs would twitch now and then, and sweat began to form on his brow.
Nora let him know she was concerned in her own special way. “Are you sure you’re a tiger?”
“What nonsense are you spouting now, magic rabbit?”
“Cats don’t sweat like that. But look at you! Your fur looks like you just went swimming!”
“What do you mean? Sweating is normal, woman! I’m just fine.” He patted her head roughly, purposely fuzzing up her curly brown hair just a little before he laughed. He definitely wasn't fine, but there really wasn’t anything much more we could do about it right now.
Vernie led the way with confidence, with Nora close to her side. Although I wasn’t privy to their entire conversation, I caught Vernie demonstrating how to properly hold and throw a knife. Nora was so absorbed in her words, I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous.
“Do not worry. She won’t steal your friend away from you,” Aleph teased me with a smile.
“I know…” I sighed. “I just… I don't know how to take her sometimes.” Bonding with me one minute, pointing out my biggest flaws the next… then making sure I had tools to defend myself. What would she insist on next?
“When you figure it out, please tell me the secret as well.”
“Aleph!” I said a little too loudly.
“I worry for her,” Aleph admitted. “She has had a rough life. But she does not desire such pitying feelings from me. So I struggle instead to just meet her where she needs me to be.” He took a deep breath. “It is a location that moves often.”
“I see…”
We hit the rocky foothills of the Turri Mountains just as sunset arrived. Tetora was excused from all the camp chores as we made ready for the night. I caught sight of Vernie with a flask inches from her lips just as I was setting up my bedroll.
“It’s just a nightcap!” she protested, even though I hadn’t said anything.
“Okay.”
“It’s not like I need it!”
“I believe you,” I said as carefully as I could.
She exhaled angrily, took a sip, and capped the flask. “See? I’ll be just fine without it!”
Where does she need me to be right now? “I’m proud of you.”
“What?”
“Things have been really tough, right?”
Vernie shrugged. “I’m still here, aren’t I? That means I’m even tougher. Oh, before I forget… she passes. Temporarily.”
“Huh?”
“Your friend Nora. She can stay in the party, for now. But if–”
“How was that ever even in question?!” I felt the muscles in my face pull back in instant anger.
“You think I’m going to trust your judgment of others right now? I’ll be the one who decides who stays and who goes!” Okay, wow, no!
“You’re not in charge!” I shouted.
“Then who is, Rae-Rae? Who’s the leader?”
I paused. “We don’t need–”
“We do! If you’re not going to take the lead, then I will. This is your last chance.” Forget being nice, or meeting her in the middle! Tetora was out; he was too sick. Aleph was wise, but there were certain things Nora and I just couldn’t tell him about. Nora was just getting over her guilt, so she didn’t need the burden of leadership. Above all else, there was absolutely no way I was going to let Vernie take the lead!
“Fine! I’m in charge! That means you have to follow my orders, right?”
“Aye Aye, Holy Captain!” Vernie laughed in delight. “So, what are they?”
“Don’t ever do that again!”
Vernie suddenly blinked, but I continued. “I don’t ever want to find out that you or anyone else felt the need to judge or test another party member behind my back! We work together! No hazing, no stupid rites of passage, no survivor-style pranks, no infighting, nothing like that! This is already hard enough! You said I’m too trusting? You don’t trust my judgment about others? Well, congratulations, now you can spend your time working on earning my trust now!” I mean, she was the one who said don’t trust her before, right? So, for once, I was going to listen to someone else’s advice.
Vernie inhaled sharply. “Anything else, Captain?” Well, at least it was only the holy part that got dropped.
“No. Dismissed!”
***
“For homework, I want you to draw yourself,” the occupational therapist instructed. “Let’s test your pencil grip. I don’t think you need to practice outlining with the bigger highlighters anymore.”
“Home…work?”
“Oh, poor word choice. I know you’d rather do it at home,” she said with an apologetic smile. “But this is an exercise that will help you to get to that destination.” She placed a piece of white paper in front of me, which contained the outline of a woman, before putting a sheet of tracing paper on top. “You can use this as a base, but make the drawing yours. Take your time and don’t worry about any mistakes.” Right. The artist on the TV called them happy accidents, which I found endearing.
It was hard, but I was glad she left the room to let me work on it by myself. I knew my inability to manipulate the pencil wasn’t the reason I was still here in the hospital, but it was nice to feel I was accomplishing something while I waited for my bloodwork to stabilize. I focused on creating a new me, not even hearing the behavioral health nurse step in.
“Tell me about your drawing,” she said, catching me off guard.
“It’s me,” I said rather bluntly, never really knowing what she was digging for.
“I like the shoulder pads,” she smiled. “Very detailed.”
“They’re called pauldrons.”
“Tell me about the other pieces of armor.” So I did, pointing out how they fit together and worked as one for self-protection. Oh, but no one here wears things like this anymore, do they?
“It looks so heavy to wear,” she noted.
“It’s not really. Not if it’s made well and adjusted correctly to your shape. A little warm, though, especially in the sun.”
“It would be nice if we could walk around in armor all the time, wouldn’t it? Then we would be protected from the things that could physically hurt us.” Oh. One of those discussions.
“It can’t protect you from everything,” I sighed, trying to rush her through whatever she needed to say so she could document accordingly. “And sometimes you need to take it off.”
“When do you take your armor off?”
“When I feel safe.”
“What do you need to feel safe, Rachel?”
I almost said ‘my armor’, but that would probably get me kicked out of group therapy again, and I enjoyed listening to the others. I wasn’t really ready to talk to them about myself yet, but just knowing there were others trying to figure out how to be normal in this world gave me a great sense of relief.
“Control,” I said hesitantly. “When I’m the Captain, I can protect them all.”
“Who?”
“Those that I care about. But I can’t be the Captain they need anymore, so I had to let them all go.”
***
I almost woke up Nora, but she had starfished, and she really needed her sleep. Tetora was curled up in a ball next to Vernie, who was snoring fitfully. Aleph was on watch, leaning back against the flat of a large boulder, looking up at the night sky.
“I had a strange dream about something that happened to me a long time ago,” I admitted to him quietly as I scratched somewhat absently at the scars on my right wrist.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” Just acknowledging it would be enough for now. I could fly apart about it later, when things were back to normal again.
“Do you want to talk about something else?”
“Yes, please.”
“Then shall we discuss cheesecake as the perfect dessert again? I look forward to trying it with you one day.”
That afternoon, we prepared to leave the forest in earnest. We were pretty well provisioned now, but it also meant more to carry, especially now that Tetora was unable to bear any extra weight.
“I’ll be just fine. Just give me back my rucksack!” Tetora demanded.
“No,” Aleph replied bluntly.
“It is a command, not a suggestion!”
Aleph raised an eyebrow. “Show me you can lift your arms above your head and hold them there for 30 seconds.”
Tetora hesitated, then turned and snorted angrily.
“Just as I thought,” Aleph murmured. “We’ll take breaks every fifteen minutes.”
Our pace was slow, but it was necessary. Although Tetora refused to complain about his injuries, it was clear he was feeling their effects. His legs would twitch now and then, and sweat began to form on his brow.
Nora let him know she was concerned in her own special way. “Are you sure you’re a tiger?”
“What nonsense are you spouting now, magic rabbit?”
“Cats don’t sweat like that. But look at you! Your fur looks like you just went swimming!”
“What do you mean? Sweating is normal, woman! I’m just fine.” He patted her head roughly, purposely fuzzing up her curly brown hair just a little before he laughed. He definitely wasn't fine, but there really wasn’t anything much more we could do about it right now.
Vernie led the way with confidence, with Nora close to her side. Although I wasn’t privy to their entire conversation, I caught Vernie demonstrating how to properly hold and throw a knife. Nora was so absorbed in her words, I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous.
“Do not worry. She won’t steal your friend away from you,” Aleph teased me with a smile.
“I know…” I sighed. “I just… I don't know how to take her sometimes.” Bonding with me one minute, pointing out my biggest flaws the next… then making sure I had tools to defend myself. What would she insist on next?
“When you figure it out, please tell me the secret as well.”
“Aleph!” I said a little too loudly.
“I worry for her,” Aleph admitted. “She has had a rough life. But she does not desire such pitying feelings from me. So I struggle instead to just meet her where she needs me to be.” He took a deep breath. “It is a location that moves often.”
“I see…”
We hit the rocky foothills of the Turri Mountains just as sunset arrived. Tetora was excused from all the camp chores as we made ready for the night. I caught sight of Vernie with a flask inches from her lips just as I was setting up my bedroll.
“It’s just a nightcap!” she protested, even though I hadn’t said anything.
“Okay.”
“It’s not like I need it!”
“I believe you,” I said as carefully as I could.
She exhaled angrily, took a sip, and capped the flask. “See? I’ll be just fine without it!”
Where does she need me to be right now? “I’m proud of you.”
“What?”
“Things have been really tough, right?”
Vernie shrugged. “I’m still here, aren’t I? That means I’m even tougher. Oh, before I forget… she passes. Temporarily.”
“Huh?”
“Your friend Nora. She can stay in the party, for now. But if–”
“How was that ever even in question?!” I felt the muscles in my face pull back in instant anger.
“You think I’m going to trust your judgment of others right now? I’ll be the one who decides who stays and who goes!” Okay, wow, no!
“You’re not in charge!” I shouted.
“Then who is, Rae-Rae? Who’s the leader?”
I paused. “We don’t need–”
“We do! If you’re not going to take the lead, then I will. This is your last chance.” Forget being nice, or meeting her in the middle! Tetora was out; he was too sick. Aleph was wise, but there were certain things Nora and I just couldn’t tell him about. Nora was just getting over her guilt, so she didn’t need the burden of leadership. Above all else, there was absolutely no way I was going to let Vernie take the lead!
“Fine! I’m in charge! That means you have to follow my orders, right?”
“Aye Aye, Holy Captain!” Vernie laughed in delight. “So, what are they?”
“Don’t ever do that again!”
Vernie suddenly blinked, but I continued. “I don’t ever want to find out that you or anyone else felt the need to judge or test another party member behind my back! We work together! No hazing, no stupid rites of passage, no survivor-style pranks, no infighting, nothing like that! This is already hard enough! You said I’m too trusting? You don’t trust my judgment about others? Well, congratulations, now you can spend your time working on earning my trust now!” I mean, she was the one who said don’t trust her before, right? So, for once, I was going to listen to someone else’s advice.
Vernie inhaled sharply. “Anything else, Captain?” Well, at least it was only the holy part that got dropped.
“No. Dismissed!”
***
“For homework, I want you to draw yourself,” the occupational therapist instructed. “Let’s test your pencil grip. I don’t think you need to practice outlining with the bigger highlighters anymore.”
“Home…work?”
“Oh, poor word choice. I know you’d rather do it at home,” she said with an apologetic smile. “But this is an exercise that will help you to get to that destination.” She placed a piece of white paper in front of me, which contained the outline of a woman, before putting a sheet of tracing paper on top. “You can use this as a base, but make the drawing yours. Take your time and don’t worry about any mistakes.” Right. The artist on the TV called them happy accidents, which I found endearing.
It was hard, but I was glad she left the room to let me work on it by myself. I knew my inability to manipulate the pencil wasn’t the reason I was still here in the hospital, but it was nice to feel I was accomplishing something while I waited for my bloodwork to stabilize. I focused on creating a new me, not even hearing the behavioral health nurse step in.
“Tell me about your drawing,” she said, catching me off guard.
“It’s me,” I said rather bluntly, never really knowing what she was digging for.
“I like the shoulder pads,” she smiled. “Very detailed.”
“They’re called pauldrons.”
“Tell me about the other pieces of armor.” So I did, pointing out how they fit together and worked as one for self-protection. Oh, but no one here wears things like this anymore, do they?
“It looks so heavy to wear,” she noted.
“It’s not really. Not if it’s made well and adjusted correctly to your shape. A little warm, though, especially in the sun.”
“It would be nice if we could walk around in armor all the time, wouldn’t it? Then we would be protected from the things that could physically hurt us.” Oh. One of those discussions.
“It can’t protect you from everything,” I sighed, trying to rush her through whatever she needed to say so she could document accordingly. “And sometimes you need to take it off.”
“When do you take your armor off?”
“When I feel safe.”
“What do you need to feel safe, Rachel?”
I almost said ‘my armor’, but that would probably get me kicked out of group therapy again, and I enjoyed listening to the others. I wasn’t really ready to talk to them about myself yet, but just knowing there were others trying to figure out how to be normal in this world gave me a great sense of relief.
“Control,” I said hesitantly. “When I’m the Captain, I can protect them all.”
“Who?”
“Those that I care about. But I can’t be the Captain they need anymore, so I had to let them all go.”
***
I almost woke up Nora, but she had starfished, and she really needed her sleep. Tetora was curled up in a ball next to Vernie, who was snoring fitfully. Aleph was on watch, leaning back against the flat of a large boulder, looking up at the night sky.
“I had a strange dream about something that happened to me a long time ago,” I admitted to him quietly as I scratched somewhat absently at the scars on my right wrist.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” Just acknowledging it would be enough for now. I could fly apart about it later, when things were back to normal again.
“Do you want to talk about something else?”
“Yes, please.”
“Then shall we discuss cheesecake as the perfect dessert again? I look forward to trying it with you one day.”
