“Die, you stupid motherfucker!”
A winged man’s shouts echo in the cramped tunnel, followed by the high-pitched laughter of another creature.
*Shishishi!* *Hihihi!*
“Aha! I got you now! Dieeeeeee!” He shouts, slashing with his sword.
The other man – a man with deathly pale blue eyes – shakes his head and massages his temples. “Hey, Valdi!” He calls the man that’s on a murderous spree. “Didn’t we agree you would stop doing reckless things and listen to me?”
But the man called Valdi, absorbed in his actions, ignores him. “Hahaha, nothing can stop me today! I’ll show you, who humiliated me like that, that I’m better than you’ll ever be.”
The blue-eyed man facepalms at his companion’s stupidity.
“I knew this would happen, I shouldn’t have listened to him…”
The screams and laughter finally subside when the man kills his opponent. He stomps a few times on the heads of this victim: a two-headed, green and red monstrosity. Satisfied, he finally turns to his companion.
“Hahaha…” He makes a forced laugh. “I’m sorry, Ariet. I couldn’t stop myself after watching its annoying face. I can’t forget the smile on their face as they pushed me to the abyss that day…” He trails off as his face contorts, a mix of anger and regret on it.
“It was your fault, don’t blame the monsters. If only you listened to me, we could have won that match and you wouldn’t have been humiliated like that.”
“I know, but still… that smile…”
Valdi recalls what happened that day. Since that Dungeon Battle, he hasn’t been able to forget the smile on the monster’s face as it kicked his petrified champion off the cliff. Every night, he has nightmares about it. That nasty smile. That nasty laughter. And the worst of it all… the face of the one who inflicted such humiliation upon him!
Seething with anger, Valdi punches the wall. “Damn it! If only I could forget…”
But the other man won’t eat that shit.
“Don’t act like the victim now. If there’s any victim from that day, it’s me, ok? It was ME who had to deal with the aftermath, not you. You were happily dead, doing nothing, while I had to carry our support mobs in that labyrinth, being sniped by monsters from all directions, and with the fear of being petrified any time!”
“But it was me who died!”
“You died because you didn’t listen to me!”
After shouting their thoughts out, they stand staring at each other for a while.
“Haaa… fine. Let’s leave it here. So… have you decided what you’ll ask if we win? Or not yet?” It’s the blue-eyed man who breaks the silence.
If it were for him, Ariet wouldn’t have come to this dungeon at all. Not after the awful experience in that Dungeon Battle. But Valdi, his stupid winged companion, insisted on coming. His reason: I want to take revenge!
“I don’t know… Yet!” Valdi starts grinning. “I’m going to make him regret humiliating me like that. It’ll be something he’ll never forget!”
“Sure, if you say so…”
“It’s because of him that I’m now being laughed at by everyone. He put the video of our match in public so everyone could see my defeat. I’m sure he did it on purpose! And then, they used my death in a top 10 deaths or something… I’ll make him suffer the same…! I’ll humiliate him so much, that nobody will take him seriously anymore! This dungeon is finished! Muahahahaha!”
There’s an option in Dungeon Battles to make them public for anyone to watch, one of the features commonly used by top rankers. Their match, too, was made public using this function. It was Valdi himself who did it, saying ‘I’ll show everyone how amazing I am!’, but he conveniently forgot about it when things turned awry.
Ariet shrugs. “I’m sure it’s going to be something stupid again…”
“No, it won't!”
“Alright, alright…” Tired of arguing, he pats Valdi’s shoulder. “But you won’t accomplish your revenge if we stay like this, wasting time. So let’s go.”
“Right! You’re right! Let’s–”
*Shishishi!* *Hihihi!*
As soon as Valdi hears the laughter, he snaps and starts running in that direction, shouting. “I’M GOING TO FUCKING EXTERMINATE YOU ALL!”
“Sigh… Here we go again.” Left behind yet another time, the blue-eyed man can’t do anything but watch his companion run amok. “Friends can be so troublesome… Maybe I should find a new one?”
“FUUUUUUUCK!” I shout. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck my bad luck!” I stomp with my foot in anger. “Why did it had to be TODAY of all things!?”
Aah, this is bad. Very bad.
This was the best chance I got to show how good I am… to demonstrate I’m the best player when it comes to The Mad Rat’s Lab. I’m the writer of its most famous guide, I’m sure I could have won this competition!
But I was busy today. I didn’t see the message until now, and now it’s too late.
“Haaa… any wish I could ask from the Evil Mastermind. I could have asked him to remove all the fucking Goblimps from the dungeon! I might have missed the only chance to get rid of them forever.”
It would be so much better if they didn’t exist… They’re annoying, they’re numerous, and they’re everywhere. They’re like pests! But the worst is that they’re weak, too. There’s no enjoyment in fighting them.
“If only they were decently strong… or came at you in a straight fight instead of running away…”
It’s a shame, but there’s nothing I can do about it because there’s already a winner. But the worst part isn’t that there is a winner already, but who the winner is.
I take another look at the screen, where the video of the winners is playing.
“Ugh…” I scratch my head in annoyance. “Yep, there’s no mistaking that stupid chicken head. We finally managed to make them lay low in the forums after our duel. But after this… I don’t want to think about it.”
It’ll be chaos.
I’ll need the help of everyone to contain the repercussions. I’m glad I’m not the one in the worst position.
“Good luck with their wish, Evil Mastermind. Huh, huh, huh!”
My head hurts.
My head’s about to explode.
“Ugh… how can this be…” I grab my head. I want to smack my head on a wall until I forget, but if it doesn’t work, I’ll be even worse. “I regret my actions… If only I could have stayed quiet and didn’t make that post…”
In front of me, the screen is showing the video of the first invaders who completed my challenge.
If I close my eyes hard enough, will I wake up from this nightmare?
“...It’s a great idea, I thought… It’ll make my dungeon famous overnight, I thought…” I drop my body on the desk. “But… why!? Why couldn’t I think of the consequences before it was too late!?”
In fact, I did achieve what I wanted. It’s just that the results weren’t exactly what I predicted.
“Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!” I hit the desk with every word. “How could I forget about them when they’re the ones to give me the most headaches…? Aaagh, I want to cry…”
Yes, as you might have guessed by now, the first ones to clear my dungeon after the rework are them, the ones I’d rather forget… the Mad Cultists.
This is if we’re not counting those who came with level twenty Champions and trampled everything in their way, of course. Believe me when I say there’s been quite a few of them, demanding me to meet with my older sister. But they’re the minor of my headaches right now. I already wrote that the max level was 10 in that post, they can go eat shit for all I care.
It hurts, but I need to face reality. They won. Now, I’ll have to grant their wish.
Fuck this.
I hoped Ricard would win, but I didn’t hold high hopes for it to happen. He wastes too much time talking and ‘playing the undead’. The same is true for Laura and Clara’s team.
But there were so many other players? Why couldn’t ANY of them be the first!?
“Orc player, I needed you, but you didn’t come…!” You know what? There’s no need for me to suffer alone. “Yeah… it’s your fault! Everything’s your fault, you damn orc player! Be prepared, for the next time I see you inside my dungeon, you’ll have to face my wrath! Fufufu! Hahaha!”
Now that I’ve shifted the blame upon someone else, it’s time to think of a way to mitigate the consequences of the orc’s actions.
My actions, you say? I did nothing at all, why should I reflect on my actions?
“Alright. So… the first thing I must find a solution for is: how do I avoid meeting them face to face?”
Their fanaticism has reached an insufferable point after so long. They cultivate it in their little crazy farms, increasing their numbers like an infectious virus. And like a virus, it mutates and develops until it kills its host…
…who am I kidding? They were always like this…
The thing is this: I’ll die if I have to suffer their presence for more than ten seconds without being able to run away. I can’t go back on the wish part, so I must grant them their wish, but I never said I’d meet them in person, did I?
“I can always use the ‘I’m ill’ excuse…”
I have no idea if they’ll buy it or not, but I don’t care. Also… I have a small suspicion they won’t care that much about it and that they instead want to ask their wish as soon as possible. They don’t want to wait until they can meet me in person for that.
You ask why? It’s because of this.
[Bishop of Doom: 150+ unread messages]
See? They’re pushing me to answer as soon as possible.
And yes, Bishop of Doom is the actual nickname of the one they call Leader. You can blame me all you want for making them go crazy inside my dungeon but, as you can see, they were goners before I did anything.
By the way, there’s no way I’m reading any of those messages. If they ask, I’ll tell them I didn’t receive them because of some game bug or something…
“Alright… Let’s do it… *Sigh!*”
I smack my cheeks and get ready for what might be the hardest thing I’ll have to do for the rest of my life.
‘Hey there, players!
Good job being the first to clear my dungeon, dear players! I’ve seen no faults in the video you uploaded, you’re the winner!
Congratulations! You won a wish from me, and the chance to meet my sister, Anthemia!
*Clap, clap, clap!* *Whooo, whooo! You rule!*
I’d love to receive you all in my dungeon, but I can’t. I’m extremely sorry, but I’m lying on the bed, ill, and can’t enter the game right now. But, depending on what your wish is, I might be able to grant it to you anyway.
So… what do you want? What is your wish? Don’t waste this chance and ask for something worthy of the effort you put into it! Fufufu! Hahaha!’
[Disguised Koala]
As I write, I make sure to make myself look as pathetic as possible so they don’t question the validity of my illness. I also write it as if I didn’t know them at all, though this one is for my sanity and has nothing to do with them.
The next few minutes after sending the message are the most stressful.
What are they going to ask? I hope it isn’t something ridiculous… You never know what can happen with crazy people.
I bite my nails. If they take too long, it’ll be a carnage at this rate.
*Piring!*
Luckily for my fingers, it doesn’t take too long for them to write an answer.
And what an answer! This looks more like a novel than a message! How can they write so fast? What are they? An AI!? Well… let’s skim over it and read only the relevant parts…
Otherwise, my brain might melt.
‘Oh, dear Great Mad Rat!
All our 218 members show our deepest respect for Your great figure and our gratitude for this chance to show our devotion to Your great persona. We also give You our best wishes for You to get better as soon as possible, so You can go back to improve The Mad Rat’s Lab and bring us new surprises and enjoyment.
…’
“Two hundred!? How are their numbers growing so fast!? The last time I heard about their numbers, it was around fifty.”
Are they infecting others like an actual virus? I know I’ve said it before, but it was supposed to be a joke…
‘...
We’re sure that Your greatness has spread wide after this incredible event. We’ll make sure to spread Your word…’
“Yeah… let’s skip that part. And that part too…” I scroll quite a bit until I reach the end. “Ah! Here comes the relevant part.”
‘...
We don’t dare ask for anything that will trouble Your great persona, so we’ve decided to instead ask permission to build a giant statue of Your great persona in the most important spot of our Mad Cult cathedral. This will allow all members to enjoy Your visage and imposing presence at any time they wish to. And if it isn’t too inconvenient, we’d wish for Your great persona to come and inaugurate it in person, once You recover from your illness.
Always Your most devoted believer.’
[Bishop of Doom]
Andreu.exe has stopped working.
Please wait while we reinitiate the OS…
“Stop!” I hit my head. “Why does this keep happening when stuff related to them comes up!? I’m tired of it!”
Alright, let’s recapitulate. They’re crazy. But I already knew this. The new stuff is that they wish for a statue of me inside their church or something.
I can feel my headache getting stronger. At the same time, though, this isn’t as bad as I thought. I abhor the idea of my statue being idolized by them as if it were me, but I can live with it as long as I don’t have anything to do with it.
The actual problem is this:
‘In person’.
Those two words are engraved into my pupils. I try closing them as hard as I can, but I can still read them, as clearly as the first time.
‘In person’.
“...I’m kind of forced to say yes, right…? There’s no valid reason I can give to avoid it, is there…?” I gulp.
After punishing Andreu for using her name without consent, Marta accepted to be used as ‘part of the prize’.
The reason she gave was that it was a good chance to show she wasn’t as haughty as most players believed while giving herself a boost in popularity. Though, deep inside, and she’d never admit to it, she thought it was a good chance to help Andreu with his dungeon.
What she didn’t expect was that the winners of that challenge wouldn’t care about her presence. Not at all.
“Die, you stupid motherfucker!”
A winged man’s shouts echo in the cramped tunnel, followed by the high-pitched laughter of another creature.
*Shishishi!* *Hihihi!*
“Aha! I got you now! Dieeeeeee!” He shouts, slashing with his sword.
The other man – a man with deathly pale blue eyes – shakes his head and massages his temples. “Hey, Valdi!” He calls the man that’s on a murderous spree. “Didn’t we agree you would stop doing reckless things and listen to me?”
But the man called Valdi, absorbed in his actions, ignores him. “Hahaha, nothing can stop me today! I’ll show you, who humiliated me like that, that I’m better than you’ll ever be.”
The blue-eyed man facepalms at his companion’s stupidity.
“I knew this would happen, I shouldn’t have listened to him…”
The screams and laughter finally subside when the man kills his opponent. He stomps a few times on the heads of this victim: a two-headed, green and red monstrosity. Satisfied, he finally turns to his companion.
“Hahaha…” He makes a forced laugh. “I’m sorry, Ariet. I couldn’t stop myself after watching its annoying face. I can’t forget the smile on their face as they pushed me to the abyss that day…” He trails off as his face contorts, a mix of anger and regret on it.
“It was your fault, don’t blame the monsters. If only you listened to me, we could have won that match and you wouldn’t have been humiliated like that.”
“I know, but still… that smile…”
Valdi recalls what happened that day. Since that Dungeon Battle, he hasn’t been able to forget the smile on the monster’s face as it kicked his petrified champion off the cliff. Every night, he has nightmares about it. That nasty smile. That nasty laughter. And the worst of it all… the face of the one who inflicted such humiliation upon him!
Seething with anger, Valdi punches the wall. “Damn it! If only I could forget…”
But the other man won’t eat that shit.
“Don’t act like the victim now. If there’s any victim from that day, it’s me, ok? It was ME who had to deal with the aftermath, not you. You were happily dead, doing nothing, while I had to carry our support mobs in that labyrinth, being sniped by monsters from all directions, and with the fear of being petrified any time!”
“But it was me who died!”
“You died because you didn’t listen to me!”
After shouting their thoughts out, they stand staring at each other for a while.
“Haaa… fine. Let’s leave it here. So… have you decided what you’ll ask if we win? Or not yet?” It’s the blue-eyed man who breaks the silence.
If it were for him, Ariet wouldn’t have come to this dungeon at all. Not after the awful experience in that Dungeon Battle. But Valdi, his stupid winged companion, insisted on coming. His reason: I want to take revenge!
“I don’t know… Yet!” Valdi starts grinning. “I’m going to make him regret humiliating me like that. It’ll be something he’ll never forget!”
“Sure, if you say so…”
“It’s because of him that I’m now being laughed at by everyone. He put the video of our match in public so everyone could see my defeat. I’m sure he did it on purpose! And then, they used my death in a top 10 deaths or something… I’ll make him suffer the same…! I’ll humiliate him so much, that nobody will take him seriously anymore! This dungeon is finished! Muahahahaha!”
There’s an option in Dungeon Battles to make them public for anyone to watch, one of the features commonly used by top rankers. Their match, too, was made public using this function. It was Valdi himself who did it, saying ‘I’ll show everyone how amazing I am!’, but he conveniently forgot about it when things turned awry.
Ariet shrugs. “I’m sure it’s going to be something stupid again…”
“No, it won't!”
“Alright, alright…” Tired of arguing, he pats Valdi’s shoulder. “But you won’t accomplish your revenge if we stay like this, wasting time. So let’s go.”
“Right! You’re right! Let’s–”
*Shishishi!* *Hihihi!*
As soon as Valdi hears the laughter, he snaps and starts running in that direction, shouting. “I’M GOING TO FUCKING EXTERMINATE YOU ALL!”
“Sigh… Here we go again.” Left behind yet another time, the blue-eyed man can’t do anything but watch his companion run amok. “Friends can be so troublesome… Maybe I should find a new one?”
“FUUUUUUUCK!” I shout. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck my bad luck!” I stomp with my foot in anger. “Why did it had to be TODAY of all things!?”
Aah, this is bad. Very bad.
This was the best chance I got to show how good I am… to demonstrate I’m the best player when it comes to The Mad Rat’s Lab. I’m the writer of its most famous guide, I’m sure I could have won this competition!
But I was busy today. I didn’t see the message until now, and now it’s too late.
“Haaa… any wish I could ask from the Evil Mastermind. I could have asked him to remove all the fucking Goblimps from the dungeon! I might have missed the only chance to get rid of them forever.”
It would be so much better if they didn’t exist… They’re annoying, they’re numerous, and they’re everywhere. They’re like pests! But the worst is that they’re weak, too. There’s no enjoyment in fighting them.
“If only they were decently strong… or came at you in a straight fight instead of running away…”
It’s a shame, but there’s nothing I can do about it because there’s already a winner. But the worst part isn’t that there is a winner already, but who the winner is.
I take another look at the screen, where the video of the winners is playing.
“Ugh…” I scratch my head in annoyance. “Yep, there’s no mistaking that stupid chicken head. We finally managed to make them lay low in the forums after our duel. But after this… I don’t want to think about it.”
It’ll be chaos.
I’ll need the help of everyone to contain the repercussions. I’m glad I’m not the one in the worst position.
“Good luck with their wish, Evil Mastermind. Huh, huh, huh!”
My head hurts.
My head’s about to explode.
“Ugh… how can this be…” I grab my head. I want to smack my head on a wall until I forget, but if it doesn’t work, I’ll be even worse. “I regret my actions… If only I could have stayed quiet and didn’t make that post…”
In front of me, the screen is showing the video of the first invaders who completed my challenge.
If I close my eyes hard enough, will I wake up from this nightmare?
“...It’s a great idea, I thought… It’ll make my dungeon famous overnight, I thought…” I drop my body on the desk. “But… why!? Why couldn’t I think of the consequences before it was too late!?”
In fact, I did achieve what I wanted. It’s just that the results weren’t exactly what I predicted.
“Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!” I hit the desk with every word. “How could I forget about them when they’re the ones to give me the most headaches…? Aaagh, I want to cry…”
Yes, as you might have guessed by now, the first ones to clear my dungeon after the rework are them, the ones I’d rather forget… the Mad Cultists.
This is if we’re not counting those who came with level twenty Champions and trampled everything in their way, of course. Believe me when I say there’s been quite a few of them, demanding me to meet with my older sister. But they’re the minor of my headaches right now. I already wrote that the max level was 10 in that post, they can go eat shit for all I care.
It hurts, but I need to face reality. They won. Now, I’ll have to grant their wish.
Fuck this.
I hoped Ricard would win, but I didn’t hold high hopes for it to happen. He wastes too much time talking and ‘playing the undead’. The same is true for Laura and Clara’s team.
But there were so many other players? Why couldn’t ANY of them be the first!?
“Orc player, I needed you, but you didn’t come…!” You know what? There’s no need for me to suffer alone. “Yeah… it’s your fault! Everything’s your fault, you damn orc player! Be prepared, for the next time I see you inside my dungeon, you’ll have to face my wrath! Fufufu! Hahaha!”
Now that I’ve shifted the blame upon someone else, it’s time to think of a way to mitigate the consequences of the orc’s actions.
My actions, you say? I did nothing at all, why should I reflect on my actions?
“Alright. So… the first thing I must find a solution for is: how do I avoid meeting them face to face?”
Their fanaticism has reached an insufferable point after so long. They cultivate it in their little crazy farms, increasing their numbers like an infectious virus. And like a virus, it mutates and develops until it kills its host…
…who am I kidding? They were always like this…
The thing is this: I’ll die if I have to suffer their presence for more than ten seconds without being able to run away. I can’t go back on the wish part, so I must grant them their wish, but I never said I’d meet them in person, did I?
“I can always use the ‘I’m ill’ excuse…”
I have no idea if they’ll buy it or not, but I don’t care. Also… I have a small suspicion they won’t care that much about it and that they instead want to ask their wish as soon as possible. They don’t want to wait until they can meet me in person for that.
You ask why? It’s because of this.
[Bishop of Doom: 150+ unread messages]
See? They’re pushing me to answer as soon as possible.
And yes, Bishop of Doom is the actual nickname of the one they call Leader. You can blame me all you want for making them go crazy inside my dungeon but, as you can see, they were goners before I did anything.
By the way, there’s no way I’m reading any of those messages. If they ask, I’ll tell them I didn’t receive them because of some game bug or something…
“Alright… Let’s do it… *Sigh!*”
I smack my cheeks and get ready for what might be the hardest thing I’ll have to do for the rest of my life.
‘Hey there, players!
Good job being the first to clear my dungeon, dear players! I’ve seen no faults in the video you uploaded, you’re the winner!
Congratulations! You won a wish from me, and the chance to meet my sister, Anthemia!
*Clap, clap, clap!* *Whooo, whooo! You rule!*
I’d love to receive you all in my dungeon, but I can’t. I’m extremely sorry, but I’m lying on the bed, ill, and can’t enter the game right now. But, depending on what your wish is, I might be able to grant it to you anyway.
So… what do you want? What is your wish? Don’t waste this chance and ask for something worthy of the effort you put into it! Fufufu! Hahaha!’
[Disguised Koala]
As I write, I make sure to make myself look as pathetic as possible so they don’t question the validity of my illness. I also write it as if I didn’t know them at all, though this one is for my sanity and has nothing to do with them.
The next few minutes after sending the message are the most stressful.
What are they going to ask? I hope it isn’t something ridiculous… You never know what can happen with crazy people.
I bite my nails. If they take too long, it’ll be a carnage at this rate.
*Piring!*
Luckily for my fingers, it doesn’t take too long for them to write an answer.
And what an answer! This looks more like a novel than a message! How can they write so fast? What are they? An AI!? Well… let’s skim over it and read only the relevant parts…
Otherwise, my brain might melt.
‘Oh, dear Great Mad Rat!
All our 218 members show our deepest respect for Your great figure and our gratitude for this chance to show our devotion to Your great persona. We also give You our best wishes for You to get better as soon as possible, so You can go back to improve The Mad Rat’s Lab and bring us new surprises and enjoyment.
…’
“Two hundred!? How are their numbers growing so fast!? The last time I heard about their numbers, it was around fifty.”
Are they infecting others like an actual virus? I know I’ve said it before, but it was supposed to be a joke…
‘...
We’re sure that Your greatness has spread wide after this incredible event. We’ll make sure to spread Your word…’
“Yeah… let’s skip that part. And that part too…” I scroll quite a bit until I reach the end. “Ah! Here comes the relevant part.”
‘...
We don’t dare ask for anything that will trouble Your great persona, so we’ve decided to instead ask permission to build a giant statue of Your great persona in the most important spot of our Mad Cult cathedral. This will allow all members to enjoy Your visage and imposing presence at any time they wish to. And if it isn’t too inconvenient, we’d wish for Your great persona to come and inaugurate it in person, once You recover from your illness.
Always Your most devoted believer.’
[Bishop of Doom]
Andreu.exe has stopped working.
Please wait while we reinitiate the OS…
“Stop!” I hit my head. “Why does this keep happening when stuff related to them comes up!? I’m tired of it!”
Alright, let’s recapitulate. They’re crazy. But I already knew this. The new stuff is that they wish for a statue of me inside their church or something.
I can feel my headache getting stronger. At the same time, though, this isn’t as bad as I thought. I abhor the idea of my statue being idolized by them as if it were me, but I can live with it as long as I don’t have anything to do with it.
The actual problem is this:
‘In person’.
Those two words are engraved into my pupils. I try closing them as hard as I can, but I can still read them, as clearly as the first time.
‘In person’.
“...I’m kind of forced to say yes, right…? There’s no valid reason I can give to avoid it, is there…?” I gulp.
After punishing Andreu for using her name without consent, Marta accepted to be used as ‘part of the prize’.
The reason she gave was that it was a good chance to show she wasn’t as haughty as most players believed while giving herself a boost in popularity. Though, deep inside, and she’d never admit to it, she thought it was a good chance to help Andreu with his dungeon.
What she didn’t expect was that the winners of that challenge wouldn’t care about her presence. Not at all.
