Recently, Grammarly showed me a host of brand-new, virginal errors when I've gone back to previous chapters for reference.
I took this opportunity to go over what I've written previously and edit it once more.
Nothing has changed story-wise.
Just formating, word choices, the odd continuity error (characters changing names between chapters and so on).
So far I have edited up to and including chapter 19 and updated them here on the site.
If you want to read them again, be my guest... but you don't have to.
I heard the door open and close, and a short time later again. Then I felt somebody touch my shoulder, apparently testing if I was at least still alive.
I groaned and shrugged my shoulders before I heard Ryan talk to me.
“Shit, Kitten, what happened? You… shit Darren looked frightening. And you not much better. I thought you were friends.”
I sighed, and lifted my head, looking at him.
“Honestly, I thought the same. Now… I am not that sure anymore.”
I closed my eyes again, leaned back, took a deep breath, and then shook my head.
“FUCK!”
I just couldn’t hold it in.
When I looked at Ryan again, he looked bewildered. I had the feeling his wide eyes tried to bore into my soul, and he was white as a wall.
“What… what did he do? I can’t see him doing anything that could cause this… reaction. Please, tell me.”
I slowly shook my head. I wanted to tell him, but I could not understand it myself. Well, yes, the… let’s say technical aspect of it was pretty clear to understand.
But my reaction to it? That I could not understand. Why did it hurt that much? Compared to what the CIA-assholes had done to me, Darren should have been a mere pinprick, but while the psyops-pricks caused rage inside me, what Darren did simply hurt.
The pain was almost physical in its quality.
And so, I could only shrug as an answer to Ryan’s question.
Yes, on a very intellectual level, I understood that Darren had no fault in this, but my emotions did not care.
With another scream, wordless this time, I jumped up from my chair and began pacing.
Trying to find something, anything to alleviate the pain. Without any success. Storming aimlessly through the various lab, my eyes fell onto the, thankfully, empty retorts in the bio-lab, and without thinking, I began grabbing them and throwing them against the wall, or the ground, stomping on the remains.
It did not help in the slightest, and I resumed my pacing, just to walk straight into the chest of somebody appearing directly in front of me when I turned around.
When I looked up from the ground, where I found myself sitting on my posterior following the collision I saw Ben standing there, looking concerned.
Without thinking, I jumped up and threw myself into his arms.
I can’t say for sure how long we stood there, with him just holding me, but finally, the pain subsided.
When I could somewhat think again, I looked up to him.
“Thank you. I… I needed that.”
He looked into my eyes, still concerned.
“Can you tell me what happened? I… this is not you.”
While he said this, he softly directed me towards a table with a few chairs around, pressuring me to sit down.
I collected my thoughts as good as I could before I answered him:
“I… it is Darren.”
Ben gripping my hands was strangely reassuring.
“Darren? The dark-haired man in your group? From what I heard, he seems to be pretty reasonable.”
I groaned.
“Yeah, I thought so too.”
“So, what did he do to rile you up that much?”
“I… well, he… he is a Psionic and…”
I was grasping for the right words to express what I felt, and sudden understanding bloomed in Ben’s face.
“Oh, and you are a projector, right? Shit, that’s fucked up.”
I frowned: “A projector? What is that?”
He shrugged his shoulders:
“I don’t know the specifics. Just what a Psionic I had hired for a job told me. Some people think ‘loud’ as he called it. He told me it was uncomfortable to be around me because he had to concentrate on not reading my thoughts by accident, and that I was a projector.
He left after a couple of days, so I don’t know much about it.”
I sighed.
“Well, according to Darren several factors are playing into it. Race for example. Psionics and Mutants are apparently mostly silent, while Pures are exceptionally loud.”
He winced.
“Another factor seems to be intelligence. The smarter a person is…”
“Ouch. And you, being a Pure with your brainpower… yeah I can see that.”
“And it seems agitation is another factor. He said if I am upset he ‘hears’ me from the other side of the building.”
I scoffed after that.
“And you can guess my mood the last few weeks.”
“And he is tired of ignoring your thoughts? Yeah, I can see that.”
“No, he is unable to ignore my thoughts. He knows everything.”
“Fuck!”
“My sentiment, exactly.”
“And has he said what he intends to do?”
“Nothing. He told me that he knew it for quite some time and did nothing, and now, with Warden, he would destroy himself by telling on me.”
Ben nodded at that:
“Yep, that sounds reasonable. But why are you that upset if he will keep it for himself?”
I shrugged, sighing.
“I have no idea. It just… it hurts. And I don’t understand why. Why does it hurt so much?”
Ben looked at me intensely.
“Why are you surprised it hurts that much?”
I scoffed again.
“Even what the jerks in Nowhere did didn’t hurt that much.”
“Did you trust these assholes?”
I felt my eyes go wide.
“No, of course not. How do you get that idea?”
I chuckled.
“I didn’t, but I want to set the context, bear with me, please. Now the next question, do you trust Darren?”
I frowned. Just a few hours ago, I would have answered that question with a very convinced yes, but now…
“I… I don’t know. I want to trust him, but can I?”
Ben nodded.
“Let me change the question, did you trust him?”
“Yes, before I realized that he violated my privacy, I did, why?”
“And there you have the reason why it hurts so much. If these assholes in Nowhere had told you the sky is blue, you would have looked for yourself, and even if you had found it to be blue, you would have doubted it.
They had the power to hurt you, but mostly they made you mad. Darren on the other hand, he had the power to hurt you. You trusted him, and he betrayed that trust.”
I frowned even harder.
“But… he did not want to do it. It is not his fault.”
“It is also not yours. It just happened. And I am glad that you understand that. But feelings are… messy. Emotionally you only understand that he did violate your privacy, your innermost secrets. And because you trusted him, it hurts.”
I tilted my head.
“But… why do I feel that way?”
“I would guess mostly because you had to find out for yourself. You would not feel so betrayed if he told you about it.”
I had to mull that over, for a bit.
“You may be right. But then, why didn’t he? Tell me I mean.”
A sad smile appeared on his face.
“When?”
“What when?”
“Don’t get me wrong, but I try to see it as he had to see it. So, when should he have told you about it?” he
To my shame, I did not quite understand the direction he was going with that reasoning, at least at that time.
“I don’t understand. As soon as possible I would think.”
Ben nodded.
“Ok, then think about it, the soonest it was possible, just after you’ve taken out Frankel and let them out of the cage. Imagine he’d come to you right then and told you that he knew everything you wanted to keep secret. Your real name, why you ran from Nowhere, your toys, and what you’ve done. Everything.
Now, tell me honestly, how would you have reacted, right then and there?”
I thought about it for a moment. I wanted to say that I would have laughed it off, that I would have just accepted it, but deep inside, I knew that was not the truth.
“I… I think right then and there, I would have instructed the automatic defense system to take him out.”
Ben nodded.
“You are pretty honest about that. And yes, I think so too. You would have panicked. You would have set the Lamb on a 24h timer and desperately tried to find a way to tell the banks that they would go down with you. And you would have taken out Darren, and probably the others too.”
He sighed.
“Can you really fault him for not saying anything? At that point, he had to know you as well as you know yourself.”
I did not like it, but he was right. I closed my eyes and searched my feelings.
“But what about later? When we knew each other a bit better?”
“You mean when you were already in the process of unraveling? Before you knew about Warden, would you really have believed him that he wants to keep it secret? Or would you have spiraled out of control and probably destroyed the whole world in your panic?”
Again, I wanted to say he was wrong. And again I could not lie to him, or myself.
“You are right. I don’t like it, but you are right. I was… I don’t know, I’ve lost my balance from the moment we landed in New York, maybe earlier.
But then, why did he tell me now about it?”
Another sad smile.
“Because you’ve got suspicious I would guess. He could either lie into your face or tell you the truth. And lying into your face… I would say that is the worse option.
Especially as you have Warden, and he can make a plausible argument that he doesn’t want to betray you.
The point is, there simply were no good options, and he took the one he probably thought would cause the least damage.”
I nodded slowly.
“But, how does that help me now?”
He shrugged.
“For right now, at this moment? I fear not all that much. You are hurt, and you have to work out the pain. But it will make it easier later. If you understand, even if just intellectually, where he came from, and that he had no option that would not hurt you, I think you can work past it easier.”
Strangely, the pain had lessened. It was not gone, but it was bearable right now. At this moment, the worse thing was that I did not know if I could trust Darren again.
We both sat there for a moment, in silence, just holding hands.
Then I realized that he had not intended to come here that day, and tilted my head again.
“Uh… not that I am not thankful, but, why are you here?”
He looked at me for a moment and then chuckled:
“I got a call from Ryan. He was completely panicking. Could not understand what was happening, and only saw you spiraling out of control. I bet you did not even realize that you’ve been ranting, raving, and storming through the labs for more than an hour, did you?”
Taken aback, I looked at the clock in my HUD and realized that he was right. What the…
“Uh, yes. How did that happen?”
“I would say you were somewhat distracted. So what now?”
I thought for a moment but could not find a solution on the quick.
“I think I’ll have to think about it for some time. And I will think in cyberspace. It is a bit pressing I fear.”
He nodded.
“And the pain?”
“I think I can cope with it now. At least for a while. Yes, it still hurts, but, you are right, understanding that he did not have a real choice helped. For now, I have to figure out if I can trust him ever again, and how to achieve that.”
“Ok, I hope you can do that. If something comes up, call me. Or come to me. I’ll be there for you.”
He stood up, and kissed me, long and tenderly.
“And don’t wait until the pain is unbearable.”
“I won’t.”
“Vivian, I know you. You will. How about it, Warden?”
“Yes, Mr. Walker?” The disembodied voice came from the PA system in the room.
“Can you judge when she is spiraling out of control again?”
“Yes, that is well within my possibilities.”
I tried to interject:
“Hey, wait a moment.”
But Ben gave me a lopsided grin, lifted his right index finger, and placed it onto my lips.
“Sh… let the grownups talk.” The wink he gave me showed me that he did not mean that seriously, but he continued toward the speaker.
“So, if she comes close to going over again, you will inform me so that I can help her?”
“Yes, I can do that.”
Then he turned back to me.
“So, now you have a watchdog you can’t bamboozle. You’d better don’t have her call me. I will tease you about it. Mercilessly. If you feel losing your grip, call me yourself.”
I huffed at that but could find no clever response. Another shorter, Kiss later, and he left the room.
I looked around me and saw quite a few trashed odds and ends. Small, fortunately, inexpensive lab equipment, broken glass, and similar things.
I felt myself turn red at the sight, but there was no helping it. I ordered the house to send a few bots to clean it up and asked Warden to order replacements.
In Cyberspace, I used some time to let go of quite a bit of pent-up frustration, before I prepared the little surprise for Shieldwall.
I then tasked Warden to activate it when Yang and his thugs were two minutes out from Manton street. I was pretty certain that it would go off without a hitch, but I also instructed her that if something’s gone wrong she should immediately call me.
Then I got back into my mindscape and began flying again, without aim, or purpose, feeling the simulated wind in my face.
I always thought better while flying.
Now, I wanted to trust Darren again, but, he would always hear my thoughts. The constellation was just too lopsided for it to go otherwise.
Even if he were capable of it, I could not expect him to doggedly try to ignore my thoughts. Nobody could be expected to concentrate constantly.
Could I live with him knowing everything I thought? I shuddered at the mere thought. No… no, I could not.
So, did that mean that we had to part ways? That was equally galling. He would have to part with Ryan as well, or Ryan would have to move out of the fortress.
I did not think the others would let him go alone. And honestly, I did not want them to go. Well, I would not be heartbroken if Mia left, but even Mark had grown onto me.
Maybe he had some fungus in him?
But seriously, I did not want them to go. Could I discipline my own mind? It should be possible. But, no, I knew me. My mind was too mercurial. Too disjointed.
Additionally, I did not even know how the damn psionics even worked. I could not design anything to counter it without knowing how.
That got me thinking.
Firstly, it had to be biological. If it depends on the race… no, I did not think it was genetically caused, at least not directly.
My guess was that it was how the brain was wired.
But how did psionics intercept the thoughts? For that, the thoughts need to be projected into the surrounding space.
Could it be electromagnetic? No, I did not think so. Humanity had electromagnetic receptors for centuries now. We would have found out about it long before.
Gravity? No, wrong kind of force.
Weak nuclear force? Way too short range. Even more so for the strong nuclear force.
No, if I were to find it, I would have to look into the quantum realm. But… for the moment I was flying blind.
I would have to find the differences between how all our brains worked. Hmm, I could use the BOU to get it done. But that did still not tell me what I was even looking for.
How could I find… OF COURSE! Seeberger!
Somewhere in his equation there had to be an explanation for this phenomenon.
I groaned inwardly. Yes, I loved the Seeberger equation. But it was… bothersome.
But it might let me begin defining the problem. And a defined problem is a problem that one can look for a solution for.
Without even knowing what exactly the problem is, there is no solution.
I instructed the industrial fabber to make a few BOUs, and my nanofabs to make the seed stock for them.
To do it right now, the fabber had to pause the ultra-jack it was making right now, but it was only a delay of 15 minutes. The housing I made from metal, which was not used in the cyberware.
I then surfaced and got on my way to my workshop/main lab. I had the separate parts delivered there, and began to assemble the BOUs.
Finished with that, I called the others, except for Mia, into a meeting. I did not exclude her, per se, but I did not think she would be particularly helpful.
I had a bot bring in the BOUs and enough injectors for all of us, the BOUs happily creating nano-bots.
In the meeting room, I found them all sitting around the table, including Mia, mostly looking spooked.
Darren looked somewhat guilty. Good. While yes, it was not his fault per se, he could have softened the blow considerably.
Be as it may, I sat down at the table, and we all looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, before Mia broke the silence.
“So… what is so important that you have to call us all here, right now?”
I narrowed my eyes.
“I did not call you all, Mia. You are free to go if you want to.”
She snorted.
“As if. So spill it. What do you want?”
Darren suddenly looked at me with so much hope that it did much to heal the pain.
“You think that is really possible?”
I shrugged.
“I don’t know yet. But it has to be some physical phenomenon.”
Christine frowned.
“What are you two talking about? And what got your panties in a twist V?”
Darren raised his hand.
“I… she figured out that I can basically hear her every thought. She was… understandably, not amused.”
They all looked shocked for a moment before Mark bellowed:
“Fuck man, why did you do that? Of course, she is pissed.”
Darren sighed.
“That is the problem. She is a Pure. Do you remember why we left Nowhere? I have a hard time not reading the thoughts of Pures. Well, the smarter they are, the harder it is. V here… let’s just say she is in a league of her own in her intelligence.”
He shrugged.
“I can’t ignore her. And today she figured it out. And yes, I understand that she is angry about it.”
Kate facepalmed with all four hands.
“Damn, why did you not tell her?”
This it was me who interjected.
“Because I am apparently emotionally pretty fragile. Ben Walker has helped me to understand that if he had told me, it would have probably ended with all of us dead. And Darren knew that as well.
It is only with Warden in play that I could take it. And probably Ben as well. If he hadn’t been here, I would still be raging, and probably doing something regrettable.”
Natalie closed her eyes and laid both hands flat on the table.
“And what now? I… fuck, I would understand if you did not trust us anymore.”
I took a deep breath.
“I want to avoid that. Surprisingly, I don’t want you all to go. But at the same time, I… right now I can’t trust Darren. I am sorry, really, but I can’t.”
Darren nodded.
“I understand. Don’t worry about it.”
I continued.
“So now I want to find out how he reads my mind. And I want to find out why Psionics and Mutants are hard to read for him. And of course why Pures are so easy to read. Unfortunately, we only have one Psionic, Mutant, and Pure each available, but it has to have to do something with how our brains are wired.
Remember that Darren and Kate needed a specially designed diadem to get into VR. Their brains work differently.”
I gestured towards the BOUs and the injectors.
“For that, I have brought these. I call them BOU or Bio-Observation-Unit. It is an extremely specialized nano-fab, that uses its nanobots to observe biological processes on the molecular level.
I want to inject them into each of you and have them inspect your neural networks. Find out how they work.
That might give me a way to understand how Darren does it. And if I can find that out, I might stop it.
For him, and me. I don’t think it is very comfortable for him to have to actively ignore all the thoughts around him.”
They all looked thoughtful. Well, they all, with the exception of, you guessed it, Mia.
She exploded in her typical manner.
“ARE YOU INSANE?!? You want to inject us with experimental nanobots that do who knows what? We need to trust you? Just like that? Get real. Come, Mark, this has gone long enough.” With that she jumped up, slapping Mark on the shoulder hard.
Mark on the other hand did not move a muscle, except to frown at his girlfriend.
It was Jacky, who in her typical diffidence posed the important question.
“And, these nanobots… are they… you know, dangerous?”
I shook my head.
“No, they are purely observing their surrounding. They have absolutely no way to manipulate anything, so can cause no damage. There are a few depot builders, but only enough to make them work, and they can’t replicate.”
Natalie looked at her girlfriend, and then back at me.
“And what do you expect to find?”
I snorted.
“I don’t expect anything. At this time I have no clue about what causes this. I assume it has to be some sort of quantum emission, but that is all I have so far.
The point is, that I have to start at the beginning and collect data before I can make any predictions.”
Darren folded his hands.
“Obviously I am in. Not just to help V here, but she is right. It is tiring to concentrate for so long. And before anybody spouts something about not trusting her” he looked directly at Mia with that sentence, “I am still reading her thoughts, and she is on the up and up. As far as she can tell, it is completely harmless. Even a medical scanner is more dangerous.”
Kate was the second to agree: “You know, Red has never given me any reason to doubt her now. Sure, she is not the most social, but she tries her best, and is as honest as can be.”
After that, all the others, with the precited exception of Mia, accepted. Breathing out in relief, I began filling the injectors one by one, giving them out. Mia meanwhile stormed out of the room in a huff.
“Just inject yourself somewhere. It is painless, and the nanobots will move to your brain on their own. Oh, and Mark, don’t use your cybernetic arm please.”
Mark laughed and snipped in fake annoyance.
Then, after all of us had injected ourselves with the nanobots, Natalie knocked on the table.
“I have to ask, but how will that influence the op today?”
“I have everything prepared. When Yang is two minutes out from Manton, Warden will trigger the data mine. She will also play overwatch. If something goes wrong, well I will be in cyberspace trying to figure this psionic thing out, so I can intervene at a moment's notice.”
They all nodded, relief evident in their faces.
“Just one more thing, I don’t know how long I will need to get this done. I might be in cyberspace for several days. So don’t worry.”
I had, during the meeting, ordered the fabber to make a proper cybersuit for me. Fortunately, I could use the house fabber for it.
The most important part was the muscle stimulation, preventing atrophy. Then there was temperature control, and lastly nourishment and waste elimination.
On the way to my room, I called Ben.
“Hey Kitten, I did not expect to hear from you that soon. What’s up?”
“I… I have a game plan on how to go forward. For that, I will need to be in cyberspace for some time. Probably a few days. You can send me a message if you want something or need something, and I will react as soon as possible. But depending on where my mind is at that point… it might take a bit.”
There was a moment of silence from the other end of the call.
“I can’t say that I am happy, but I understand. You need to work this out in your way. I assume you are taking the precautions for a long-term cyber dive?”
I was surprised.
“Uh, yes, I do. How do you know about it?”
I heard a chuckle from him.
“My girlfriend is a pretty prominent Jack, so I informed myself. Just so that you know, if you are not out of it in four days, I will send Warden to kick you out.”
I frowned, not that he could see that. I had meanwhile reached my room and began disrobing.
“Uhm, why four days?”
“From my information that is the maximum that is still acceptable.”
“You know I am a Pure, right? With the right precautions and enough nourishment, the maximum for me is around six days.”
“Nice to know, and I don’t care. If you can’t figure it out in four days, you will take a break.”
I could not suppress a smile, even while I tried to sound sullen.
“Fine. Have it your way.” I could not remember the last time somebody really was worried about me.
It was a nice feeling, that somebody cared enough about me for that.
“I’ll see you in a few days then.”
From his end came an “I love you.”
And suddenly I had a lump in my throat. I wanted to, really, I desperately wanted to tell him I loved him too, but… it was too early for me. I just couldn’t.
And such ended the call.
The preparations were, as usual, not the most comfortable. Sure, the shower was nothing special, but the evacuation of the bowel… I always hated that part, but it couldn’t be helped. Either that or to use some sort of solid waste management. And I don’t mean a diaper.
No thank you.
Liquid waste management was bad enough. I would be fed intravenously for the duration, and get liquid the same way. A mister in my mouth would prevent drying out of my throat.
Electro-stimulators worked into the skin-tight suit would work my muscles during that time.
And then I was diving into cyberspace.
With the full compression of Glory, and the time limit Ben had given me, I had more than 2 ½ years to find something in Seeberger's equations.
In the end, I did not need the full of it. The whole time I had an eye on the readouts of the BOUs. After nearly a year of virtual time, I narrowed it down to some specific quantum fields.
It is surprising how much energy a working brain emits. But only one set of quantum fields was especially prominent in my brain while causing some weird resonance effect in Darren.
It took me a few months to design a device that could suppress the propagation of this specific quantum field, without suppressing the field itself.
After a couple of months more, I managed to create a device that could stop the reception of this field.
Sadly, both would have to be made by the NADA. But for now, and for me, that was not that much of a problem.
Of course, I would have to test it, if it had any side effects, and as it needed an active brain, I could not resort to research clones, but I had just the right person for that.
After all, I don’t think anybody would be heartbroken if Frankel would succumb to something unfortunate.
But after an order to the NADA to create one of each device, I began to surface.
I was, as usual, greeted by aching muscles and a sore throat. And a plethora of other small ailments.
Oh, and Justin, who seemingly had stood watch over me.
The post-dive blues was nothing that could be helped sadly, but also nothing too debilitating either. A bit of walking, followed by a solid meal and a good night's rest would fix all of that.
During my walk, I sent a message to Ben, that I was out of cyberspace, but not quite up to a talk yet. I would call him tomorrow.
With my muscles somewhat mollified I walked into the mess, sending the order for an easy soup to the food replicator on the way. Yes, I know, replicator food? But after a few days in cyberspace, I actually needed bland, tasteless, and easy-to-digest food. And of course, I needed a couple of liters of liquid.
All questions from the others I waved off with a raspy whispered “Tomorrow!”.
After eating, I managed to peel out of my suit, dropping it on the floor carelessly, and fell into my bed.
Recently, Grammarly showed me a host of brand-new, virginal errors when I've gone back to previous chapters for reference.
I took this opportunity to go over what I've written previously and edit it once more.
Nothing has changed story-wise.
Just formating, word choices, the odd continuity error (characters changing names between chapters and so on).
So far I have edited up to and including chapter 19 and updated them here on the site.
If you want to read them again, be my guest... but you don't have to.
I heard the door open and close, and a short time later again. Then I felt somebody touch my shoulder, apparently testing if I was at least still alive.
I groaned and shrugged my shoulders before I heard Ryan talk to me.
“Shit, Kitten, what happened? You… shit Darren looked frightening. And you not much better. I thought you were friends.”
I sighed, and lifted my head, looking at him.
“Honestly, I thought the same. Now… I am not that sure anymore.”
I closed my eyes again, leaned back, took a deep breath, and then shook my head.
“FUCK!”
I just couldn’t hold it in.
When I looked at Ryan again, he looked bewildered. I had the feeling his wide eyes tried to bore into my soul, and he was white as a wall.
“What… what did he do? I can’t see him doing anything that could cause this… reaction. Please, tell me.”
I slowly shook my head. I wanted to tell him, but I could not understand it myself. Well, yes, the… let’s say technical aspect of it was pretty clear to understand.
But my reaction to it? That I could not understand. Why did it hurt that much? Compared to what the CIA-assholes had done to me, Darren should have been a mere pinprick, but while the psyops-pricks caused rage inside me, what Darren did simply hurt.
The pain was almost physical in its quality.
And so, I could only shrug as an answer to Ryan’s question.
Yes, on a very intellectual level, I understood that Darren had no fault in this, but my emotions did not care.
With another scream, wordless this time, I jumped up from my chair and began pacing.
Trying to find something, anything to alleviate the pain. Without any success. Storming aimlessly through the various lab, my eyes fell onto the, thankfully, empty retorts in the bio-lab, and without thinking, I began grabbing them and throwing them against the wall, or the ground, stomping on the remains.
It did not help in the slightest, and I resumed my pacing, just to walk straight into the chest of somebody appearing directly in front of me when I turned around.
When I looked up from the ground, where I found myself sitting on my posterior following the collision I saw Ben standing there, looking concerned.
Without thinking, I jumped up and threw myself into his arms.
I can’t say for sure how long we stood there, with him just holding me, but finally, the pain subsided.
When I could somewhat think again, I looked up to him.
“Thank you. I… I needed that.”
He looked into my eyes, still concerned.
“Can you tell me what happened? I… this is not you.”
While he said this, he softly directed me towards a table with a few chairs around, pressuring me to sit down.
I collected my thoughts as good as I could before I answered him:
“I… it is Darren.”
Ben gripping my hands was strangely reassuring.
“Darren? The dark-haired man in your group? From what I heard, he seems to be pretty reasonable.”
I groaned.
“Yeah, I thought so too.”
“So, what did he do to rile you up that much?”
“I… well, he… he is a Psionic and…”
I was grasping for the right words to express what I felt, and sudden understanding bloomed in Ben’s face.
“Oh, and you are a projector, right? Shit, that’s fucked up.”
I frowned: “A projector? What is that?”
He shrugged his shoulders:
“I don’t know the specifics. Just what a Psionic I had hired for a job told me. Some people think ‘loud’ as he called it. He told me it was uncomfortable to be around me because he had to concentrate on not reading my thoughts by accident, and that I was a projector.
He left after a couple of days, so I don’t know much about it.”
I sighed.
“Well, according to Darren several factors are playing into it. Race for example. Psionics and Mutants are apparently mostly silent, while Pures are exceptionally loud.”
He winced.
“Another factor seems to be intelligence. The smarter a person is…”
“Ouch. And you, being a Pure with your brainpower… yeah I can see that.”
“And it seems agitation is another factor. He said if I am upset he ‘hears’ me from the other side of the building.”
I scoffed after that.
“And you can guess my mood the last few weeks.”
“And he is tired of ignoring your thoughts? Yeah, I can see that.”
“No, he is unable to ignore my thoughts. He knows everything.”
“Fuck!”
“My sentiment, exactly.”
“And has he said what he intends to do?”
“Nothing. He told me that he knew it for quite some time and did nothing, and now, with Warden, he would destroy himself by telling on me.”
Ben nodded at that:
“Yep, that sounds reasonable. But why are you that upset if he will keep it for himself?”
I shrugged, sighing.
“I have no idea. It just… it hurts. And I don’t understand why. Why does it hurt so much?”
Ben looked at me intensely.
“Why are you surprised it hurts that much?”
I scoffed again.
“Even what the jerks in Nowhere did didn’t hurt that much.”
“Did you trust these assholes?”
I felt my eyes go wide.
“No, of course not. How do you get that idea?”
I chuckled.
“I didn’t, but I want to set the context, bear with me, please. Now the next question, do you trust Darren?”
I frowned. Just a few hours ago, I would have answered that question with a very convinced yes, but now…
“I… I don’t know. I want to trust him, but can I?”
Ben nodded.
“Let me change the question, did you trust him?”
“Yes, before I realized that he violated my privacy, I did, why?”
“And there you have the reason why it hurts so much. If these assholes in Nowhere had told you the sky is blue, you would have looked for yourself, and even if you had found it to be blue, you would have doubted it.
They had the power to hurt you, but mostly they made you mad. Darren on the other hand, he had the power to hurt you. You trusted him, and he betrayed that trust.”
I frowned even harder.
“But… he did not want to do it. It is not his fault.”
“It is also not yours. It just happened. And I am glad that you understand that. But feelings are… messy. Emotionally you only understand that he did violate your privacy, your innermost secrets. And because you trusted him, it hurts.”
I tilted my head.
“But… why do I feel that way?”
“I would guess mostly because you had to find out for yourself. You would not feel so betrayed if he told you about it.”
I had to mull that over, for a bit.
“You may be right. But then, why didn’t he? Tell me I mean.”
A sad smile appeared on his face.
“When?”
“What when?”
“Don’t get me wrong, but I try to see it as he had to see it. So, when should he have told you about it?” he
To my shame, I did not quite understand the direction he was going with that reasoning, at least at that time.
“I don’t understand. As soon as possible I would think.”
Ben nodded.
“Ok, then think about it, the soonest it was possible, just after you’ve taken out Frankel and let them out of the cage. Imagine he’d come to you right then and told you that he knew everything you wanted to keep secret. Your real name, why you ran from Nowhere, your toys, and what you’ve done. Everything.
Now, tell me honestly, how would you have reacted, right then and there?”
I thought about it for a moment. I wanted to say that I would have laughed it off, that I would have just accepted it, but deep inside, I knew that was not the truth.
“I… I think right then and there, I would have instructed the automatic defense system to take him out.”
Ben nodded.
“You are pretty honest about that. And yes, I think so too. You would have panicked. You would have set the Lamb on a 24h timer and desperately tried to find a way to tell the banks that they would go down with you. And you would have taken out Darren, and probably the others too.”
He sighed.
“Can you really fault him for not saying anything? At that point, he had to know you as well as you know yourself.”
I did not like it, but he was right. I closed my eyes and searched my feelings.
“But what about later? When we knew each other a bit better?”
“You mean when you were already in the process of unraveling? Before you knew about Warden, would you really have believed him that he wants to keep it secret? Or would you have spiraled out of control and probably destroyed the whole world in your panic?”
Again, I wanted to say he was wrong. And again I could not lie to him, or myself.
“You are right. I don’t like it, but you are right. I was… I don’t know, I’ve lost my balance from the moment we landed in New York, maybe earlier.
But then, why did he tell me now about it?”
Another sad smile.
“Because you’ve got suspicious I would guess. He could either lie into your face or tell you the truth. And lying into your face… I would say that is the worse option.
Especially as you have Warden, and he can make a plausible argument that he doesn’t want to betray you.
The point is, there simply were no good options, and he took the one he probably thought would cause the least damage.”
I nodded slowly.
“But, how does that help me now?”
He shrugged.
“For right now, at this moment? I fear not all that much. You are hurt, and you have to work out the pain. But it will make it easier later. If you understand, even if just intellectually, where he came from, and that he had no option that would not hurt you, I think you can work past it easier.”
Strangely, the pain had lessened. It was not gone, but it was bearable right now. At this moment, the worse thing was that I did not know if I could trust Darren again.
We both sat there for a moment, in silence, just holding hands.
Then I realized that he had not intended to come here that day, and tilted my head again.
“Uh… not that I am not thankful, but, why are you here?”
He looked at me for a moment and then chuckled:
“I got a call from Ryan. He was completely panicking. Could not understand what was happening, and only saw you spiraling out of control. I bet you did not even realize that you’ve been ranting, raving, and storming through the labs for more than an hour, did you?”
Taken aback, I looked at the clock in my HUD and realized that he was right. What the…
“Uh, yes. How did that happen?”
“I would say you were somewhat distracted. So what now?”
I thought for a moment but could not find a solution on the quick.
“I think I’ll have to think about it for some time. And I will think in cyberspace. It is a bit pressing I fear.”
He nodded.
“And the pain?”
“I think I can cope with it now. At least for a while. Yes, it still hurts, but, you are right, understanding that he did not have a real choice helped. For now, I have to figure out if I can trust him ever again, and how to achieve that.”
“Ok, I hope you can do that. If something comes up, call me. Or come to me. I’ll be there for you.”
He stood up, and kissed me, long and tenderly.
“And don’t wait until the pain is unbearable.”
“I won’t.”
“Vivian, I know you. You will. How about it, Warden?”
“Yes, Mr. Walker?” The disembodied voice came from the PA system in the room.
“Can you judge when she is spiraling out of control again?”
“Yes, that is well within my possibilities.”
I tried to interject:
“Hey, wait a moment.”
But Ben gave me a lopsided grin, lifted his right index finger, and placed it onto my lips.
“Sh… let the grownups talk.” The wink he gave me showed me that he did not mean that seriously, but he continued toward the speaker.
“So, if she comes close to going over again, you will inform me so that I can help her?”
“Yes, I can do that.”
Then he turned back to me.
“So, now you have a watchdog you can’t bamboozle. You’d better don’t have her call me. I will tease you about it. Mercilessly. If you feel losing your grip, call me yourself.”
I huffed at that but could find no clever response. Another shorter, Kiss later, and he left the room.
I looked around me and saw quite a few trashed odds and ends. Small, fortunately, inexpensive lab equipment, broken glass, and similar things.
I felt myself turn red at the sight, but there was no helping it. I ordered the house to send a few bots to clean it up and asked Warden to order replacements.
In Cyberspace, I used some time to let go of quite a bit of pent-up frustration, before I prepared the little surprise for Shieldwall.
I then tasked Warden to activate it when Yang and his thugs were two minutes out from Manton street. I was pretty certain that it would go off without a hitch, but I also instructed her that if something’s gone wrong she should immediately call me.
Then I got back into my mindscape and began flying again, without aim, or purpose, feeling the simulated wind in my face.
I always thought better while flying.
Now, I wanted to trust Darren again, but, he would always hear my thoughts. The constellation was just too lopsided for it to go otherwise.
Even if he were capable of it, I could not expect him to doggedly try to ignore my thoughts. Nobody could be expected to concentrate constantly.
Could I live with him knowing everything I thought? I shuddered at the mere thought. No… no, I could not.
So, did that mean that we had to part ways? That was equally galling. He would have to part with Ryan as well, or Ryan would have to move out of the fortress.
I did not think the others would let him go alone. And honestly, I did not want them to go. Well, I would not be heartbroken if Mia left, but even Mark had grown onto me.
Maybe he had some fungus in him?
But seriously, I did not want them to go. Could I discipline my own mind? It should be possible. But, no, I knew me. My mind was too mercurial. Too disjointed.
Additionally, I did not even know how the damn psionics even worked. I could not design anything to counter it without knowing how.
That got me thinking.
Firstly, it had to be biological. If it depends on the race… no, I did not think it was genetically caused, at least not directly.
My guess was that it was how the brain was wired.
But how did psionics intercept the thoughts? For that, the thoughts need to be projected into the surrounding space.
Could it be electromagnetic? No, I did not think so. Humanity had electromagnetic receptors for centuries now. We would have found out about it long before.
Gravity? No, wrong kind of force.
Weak nuclear force? Way too short range. Even more so for the strong nuclear force.
No, if I were to find it, I would have to look into the quantum realm. But… for the moment I was flying blind.
I would have to find the differences between how all our brains worked. Hmm, I could use the BOU to get it done. But that did still not tell me what I was even looking for.
How could I find… OF COURSE! Seeberger!
Somewhere in his equation there had to be an explanation for this phenomenon.
I groaned inwardly. Yes, I loved the Seeberger equation. But it was… bothersome.
But it might let me begin defining the problem. And a defined problem is a problem that one can look for a solution for.
Without even knowing what exactly the problem is, there is no solution.
I instructed the industrial fabber to make a few BOUs, and my nanofabs to make the seed stock for them.
To do it right now, the fabber had to pause the ultra-jack it was making right now, but it was only a delay of 15 minutes. The housing I made from metal, which was not used in the cyberware.
I then surfaced and got on my way to my workshop/main lab. I had the separate parts delivered there, and began to assemble the BOUs.
Finished with that, I called the others, except for Mia, into a meeting. I did not exclude her, per se, but I did not think she would be particularly helpful.
I had a bot bring in the BOUs and enough injectors for all of us, the BOUs happily creating nano-bots.
In the meeting room, I found them all sitting around the table, including Mia, mostly looking spooked.
Darren looked somewhat guilty. Good. While yes, it was not his fault per se, he could have softened the blow considerably.
Be as it may, I sat down at the table, and we all looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, before Mia broke the silence.
“So… what is so important that you have to call us all here, right now?”
I narrowed my eyes.
“I did not call you all, Mia. You are free to go if you want to.”
She snorted.
“As if. So spill it. What do you want?”
Darren suddenly looked at me with so much hope that it did much to heal the pain.
“You think that is really possible?”
I shrugged.
“I don’t know yet. But it has to be some physical phenomenon.”
Christine frowned.
“What are you two talking about? And what got your panties in a twist V?”
Darren raised his hand.
“I… she figured out that I can basically hear her every thought. She was… understandably, not amused.”
They all looked shocked for a moment before Mark bellowed:
“Fuck man, why did you do that? Of course, she is pissed.”
Darren sighed.
“That is the problem. She is a Pure. Do you remember why we left Nowhere? I have a hard time not reading the thoughts of Pures. Well, the smarter they are, the harder it is. V here… let’s just say she is in a league of her own in her intelligence.”
He shrugged.
“I can’t ignore her. And today she figured it out. And yes, I understand that she is angry about it.”
Kate facepalmed with all four hands.
“Damn, why did you not tell her?”
This it was me who interjected.
“Because I am apparently emotionally pretty fragile. Ben Walker has helped me to understand that if he had told me, it would have probably ended with all of us dead. And Darren knew that as well.
It is only with Warden in play that I could take it. And probably Ben as well. If he hadn’t been here, I would still be raging, and probably doing something regrettable.”
Natalie closed her eyes and laid both hands flat on the table.
“And what now? I… fuck, I would understand if you did not trust us anymore.”
I took a deep breath.
“I want to avoid that. Surprisingly, I don’t want you all to go. But at the same time, I… right now I can’t trust Darren. I am sorry, really, but I can’t.”
Darren nodded.
“I understand. Don’t worry about it.”
I continued.
“So now I want to find out how he reads my mind. And I want to find out why Psionics and Mutants are hard to read for him. And of course why Pures are so easy to read. Unfortunately, we only have one Psionic, Mutant, and Pure each available, but it has to have to do something with how our brains are wired.
Remember that Darren and Kate needed a specially designed diadem to get into VR. Their brains work differently.”
I gestured towards the BOUs and the injectors.
“For that, I have brought these. I call them BOU or Bio-Observation-Unit. It is an extremely specialized nano-fab, that uses its nanobots to observe biological processes on the molecular level.
I want to inject them into each of you and have them inspect your neural networks. Find out how they work.
That might give me a way to understand how Darren does it. And if I can find that out, I might stop it.
For him, and me. I don’t think it is very comfortable for him to have to actively ignore all the thoughts around him.”
They all looked thoughtful. Well, they all, with the exception of, you guessed it, Mia.
She exploded in her typical manner.
“ARE YOU INSANE?!? You want to inject us with experimental nanobots that do who knows what? We need to trust you? Just like that? Get real. Come, Mark, this has gone long enough.” With that she jumped up, slapping Mark on the shoulder hard.
Mark on the other hand did not move a muscle, except to frown at his girlfriend.
It was Jacky, who in her typical diffidence posed the important question.
“And, these nanobots… are they… you know, dangerous?”
I shook my head.
“No, they are purely observing their surrounding. They have absolutely no way to manipulate anything, so can cause no damage. There are a few depot builders, but only enough to make them work, and they can’t replicate.”
Natalie looked at her girlfriend, and then back at me.
“And what do you expect to find?”
I snorted.
“I don’t expect anything. At this time I have no clue about what causes this. I assume it has to be some sort of quantum emission, but that is all I have so far.
The point is, that I have to start at the beginning and collect data before I can make any predictions.”
Darren folded his hands.
“Obviously I am in. Not just to help V here, but she is right. It is tiring to concentrate for so long. And before anybody spouts something about not trusting her” he looked directly at Mia with that sentence, “I am still reading her thoughts, and she is on the up and up. As far as she can tell, it is completely harmless. Even a medical scanner is more dangerous.”
Kate was the second to agree: “You know, Red has never given me any reason to doubt her now. Sure, she is not the most social, but she tries her best, and is as honest as can be.”
After that, all the others, with the precited exception of Mia, accepted. Breathing out in relief, I began filling the injectors one by one, giving them out. Mia meanwhile stormed out of the room in a huff.
“Just inject yourself somewhere. It is painless, and the nanobots will move to your brain on their own. Oh, and Mark, don’t use your cybernetic arm please.”
Mark laughed and snipped in fake annoyance.
Then, after all of us had injected ourselves with the nanobots, Natalie knocked on the table.
“I have to ask, but how will that influence the op today?”
“I have everything prepared. When Yang is two minutes out from Manton, Warden will trigger the data mine. She will also play overwatch. If something goes wrong, well I will be in cyberspace trying to figure this psionic thing out, so I can intervene at a moment's notice.”
They all nodded, relief evident in their faces.
“Just one more thing, I don’t know how long I will need to get this done. I might be in cyberspace for several days. So don’t worry.”
I had, during the meeting, ordered the fabber to make a proper cybersuit for me. Fortunately, I could use the house fabber for it.
The most important part was the muscle stimulation, preventing atrophy. Then there was temperature control, and lastly nourishment and waste elimination.
On the way to my room, I called Ben.
“Hey Kitten, I did not expect to hear from you that soon. What’s up?”
“I… I have a game plan on how to go forward. For that, I will need to be in cyberspace for some time. Probably a few days. You can send me a message if you want something or need something, and I will react as soon as possible. But depending on where my mind is at that point… it might take a bit.”
There was a moment of silence from the other end of the call.
“I can’t say that I am happy, but I understand. You need to work this out in your way. I assume you are taking the precautions for a long-term cyber dive?”
I was surprised.
“Uh, yes, I do. How do you know about it?”
I heard a chuckle from him.
“My girlfriend is a pretty prominent Jack, so I informed myself. Just so that you know, if you are not out of it in four days, I will send Warden to kick you out.”
I frowned, not that he could see that. I had meanwhile reached my room and began disrobing.
“Uhm, why four days?”
“From my information that is the maximum that is still acceptable.”
“You know I am a Pure, right? With the right precautions and enough nourishment, the maximum for me is around six days.”
“Nice to know, and I don’t care. If you can’t figure it out in four days, you will take a break.”
I could not suppress a smile, even while I tried to sound sullen.
“Fine. Have it your way.” I could not remember the last time somebody really was worried about me.
It was a nice feeling, that somebody cared enough about me for that.
“I’ll see you in a few days then.”
From his end came an “I love you.”
And suddenly I had a lump in my throat. I wanted to, really, I desperately wanted to tell him I loved him too, but… it was too early for me. I just couldn’t.
And such ended the call.
The preparations were, as usual, not the most comfortable. Sure, the shower was nothing special, but the evacuation of the bowel… I always hated that part, but it couldn’t be helped. Either that or to use some sort of solid waste management. And I don’t mean a diaper.
No thank you.
Liquid waste management was bad enough. I would be fed intravenously for the duration, and get liquid the same way. A mister in my mouth would prevent drying out of my throat.
Electro-stimulators worked into the skin-tight suit would work my muscles during that time.
And then I was diving into cyberspace.
With the full compression of Glory, and the time limit Ben had given me, I had more than 2 ½ years to find something in Seeberger's equations.
In the end, I did not need the full of it. The whole time I had an eye on the readouts of the BOUs. After nearly a year of virtual time, I narrowed it down to some specific quantum fields.
It is surprising how much energy a working brain emits. But only one set of quantum fields was especially prominent in my brain while causing some weird resonance effect in Darren.
It took me a few months to design a device that could suppress the propagation of this specific quantum field, without suppressing the field itself.
After a couple of months more, I managed to create a device that could stop the reception of this field.
Sadly, both would have to be made by the NADA. But for now, and for me, that was not that much of a problem.
Of course, I would have to test it, if it had any side effects, and as it needed an active brain, I could not resort to research clones, but I had just the right person for that.
After all, I don’t think anybody would be heartbroken if Frankel would succumb to something unfortunate.
But after an order to the NADA to create one of each device, I began to surface.
I was, as usual, greeted by aching muscles and a sore throat. And a plethora of other small ailments.
Oh, and Justin, who seemingly had stood watch over me.
The post-dive blues was nothing that could be helped sadly, but also nothing too debilitating either. A bit of walking, followed by a solid meal and a good night's rest would fix all of that.
During my walk, I sent a message to Ben, that I was out of cyberspace, but not quite up to a talk yet. I would call him tomorrow.
With my muscles somewhat mollified I walked into the mess, sending the order for an easy soup to the food replicator on the way. Yes, I know, replicator food? But after a few days in cyberspace, I actually needed bland, tasteless, and easy-to-digest food. And of course, I needed a couple of liters of liquid.
All questions from the others I waved off with a raspy whispered “Tomorrow!”.
After eating, I managed to peel out of my suit, dropping it on the floor carelessly, and fell into my bed.
