Even though it was through the phone, that feeling of helplessness and self deprecation transmitted over very clearly. A sudden weird feeling grew in Gu Lai’s heart; a feeling that was hard to stomach. He rose up and grabbed his house key before heading outside. With a quiet voice, he asked,
“Where are you now?”
But Shen You did not respond, it was as if all the air was sucked out of him and he became like a deflated balloon, unable to grab onto anything. His phone fell down between the seats, creating a quiet bang and cutting off the call.
Shen You stuffed his face deep into his palms and stifled cries finally came out of his throat. But after a while, they were stuffed back down down as far as possible, causing the veins to burst out from his forehead. It was a side of Shen You that was completely different from his usual confident front; he was currently a pitiful tiny bug-like thing that didn’t even dare to cry out a sound.
At first he thought it was an absurd drama made by two people, but in the end, it was only a solo act on the stage. What a joke.
When this city was hot, it was extremely hot, and yet when it cooled down, it was a split second change. It changed so quickly that people did not have time to react, without a period of transition.
Gu Lai was afraid that Shen You might get into an accident, so he was going to drive over to the other’s house. But who would have thought that the moment he stepped out of his complex’s entrance, he would spot a silver car with a very familiar license plate quietly parked by the roadside.
Once, when Gu Lai had delivered Shen You’s breakfast, he had spotted Shen You driving this car out.
Through the glass window, the car looked empty. But when Gu Lai looked forward towards the back windows, he could faintly see someone lying inside.
“Shen You?”
He called out his name but didn’t get a response.
Gu Lai could only then open the car door and a strong scent of alcohol wafted out. Shen You was lying in the back, drunk out of his mind, and beside him were piles of bottles and the floor was covered in alcohol.
Gu Lai did not expect that Shen You would drink so much and to this point. He ducked inside to scoop the other up. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted the phone that had fallen onto the floor and picked it up, slipping it back into Shen You’s shirt pocket before going around the driver side to take out the key and lock the car.
Shen You couldn’t even stand up straight. With the change in his surroundings, he could faintly sense that someone was bringing him somewhere else and he blindly grabbed at the other’s shirt collar and asked,
“Who are you….. you… who…”
“Gu Lai, it’s Gu Lai.”
Gu Lai was almost about to asphyxiate because of Shen You’s grasp. He wrestled his shirt collar back as he helped the other man into the elevator.
In his moment of daze and confusion, Shen You seemed to have recovered some sense of clarity and he let go as he mumbled,
“…… You are Gu Lai?”
Still wet, trails of tears sat on the sides of his face, and his subconscious nuzzle at Gu Lai’s neck felt icy cold.
Gu Lai looked down at him and only then found that the corners of Shen You’s eyes were tinted red. He was powerlessly holding his head up, revealing his weak throat without a care. The line of his neck was so straight and clean, but it seemed so lonely and bare.
He quickly brought the other up to his apartment. With a back covered in sweat, he leaned over to take off Shen You’s shoes and laid him on the bed, finally getting a moment to take a breather.
This holiday has gone a bit weird, Gu Lai thought to himself.
Shen You lay on the bed for a moment before uneasily turning himself over. With furrowed eyebrows, he unbuttoned the first couple buttons at the top of his shirt, breathing very heavily and deeply and looking very uncomfortable. Gu Lai was afraid he would fall down so he moved a small little plastic stool to sit by the bed.
Shen You’s Adam’s apple moved, slowly lifting his eyelids. His dark pupils were glazed over in a drunken haze of confusion as he stared at that piercing light shining down from the ceiling.
Muttering randomly in a quiet voice,
“Gu Lai……I know…… I know why you hugged me that day at the movie theater.”
Gu Lai subconsciously lifted his head, listening to him speak.
“You don’t even like me at all……”
Gu Lai scratched his head, not fully able to follow the other’s train of thought, but out of habit, he wanted to comfort Shen You. Yet before he could even say anything, Shen You suddenly slammed down on the bed, shouting with reddened eyes,
“Motherfucker, you were only afraid of ghosts!”
Gu Lai didn’t say anything, because he couldn’t refute it at all, so he only nervously picked at his fingers.
After Shen You yelled at him, he became quiet for a moment before stuffing his face into the pillow. Gu Lai was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to breathe, so with some hesitation, he reached out and lightly grabbed the pillow from under him. But then he found that there was a wet stain on the ashy blue pillow case.
“Shen You?”
Gu Lai was a bit anxious and he rose up, trying to get a look at Shen You’s face. When he found that he couldn’t, he forcefully moved the other over and unexpectedly was faced with a pair of tear-filled eyes.
With reddened eyes, Shen You said nothing and looked at him with eyes that held a bit of ferociousness. After a moment, he gritted out the words,
“I’m a motherfucking joke!”
He repeated,
“I am just a joke……”
Gu Lai paused in shock, his heart suddenly aching terribly. He wiped off the tears from Shen You’s face with clumsy hands, and comforted him in a very stupid way,
“You’re not, you’re not, no one is laughing at you……”
Shen You looked up and grabbed his hand, sticking it to his face and saying with a hoarse voice like a child who had been wronged,
“Then why don’t you like me?”
“I….. I don’t not like you…….”
Gu Lai’s eyes blinked rapidly, stumbling over his words. Yet when those words left his mouth, he faintly felt like something was not right, but he couldn’t pinpoint what.
Not not like means like.
Shen You’s furrowed eyebrows loosened up a tad after hearing him. He slowly leaned closer to Gu Lai, staring at the other’s eyes that were so innocent and as blank as a sheet of paper and his brain seemed to have mostly returned from his drunken haze. He mumbled,
“You really don’t remember anything?”
Gu Lai said,
“I don’t.”
Shen You didn’t respond and only gripped Gu Lai’s hand tighter. He closed his eyes, as if making an extremely difficult choice. Gu Lai felt a cold fluid under his palm and grabbed a tissue from the nearby table, leaning over to lightly wipe the other’s hands. Still repeating the same words as before,
“Don’t cry, it’s ok.”
And before he could finish, he felt a strong force that pulled at his wrist and he stumbled forward uncontrollably. And then with a flip and a roll, he was pressed down by Shen You.
This touched his blind spot – he didn’t know what he should display as an expression so he was emotionless, which looked to the outside eye quite icy cold and stern. With both hands by his side, he anxiously ruffled the sheets,
“You…… what are you doing?”
Shen You looked at him, pursing his lips and not saying anything. His right hand moved to the back of his neck, silently and lightly touching that ferocious scar, as he asked with a hoarse voice,
“Gu Lai, can I trust you once more……”
Gu Lai wanted to say that he had high credibility as an honest and trustworthy man, never owing any money nor skipping on paying back his debts, so he nodded his head hesitantly,
“Should be….. it should be ok.”
Weird, why was he saying “should”.
Gu Lai’s heart was beating a bit fast, and he twitched uncomfortably. Glancing up, he could see Shen You’s prominent collarbone, and he awkwardly shifted his eyes away, feeling for the first time in his life what it meant to be awkward and embarrassed,
“Can we….. can we change into different positions?”
Such as sitting perfectly well upright.
Shen You paused at that and nodded,
“Ok.”
And then in a blink of an eye, the both of them switched positions, with Gu Lai this time on top and Shen You on the bottom.
Gu Lai: “……”
Shen You held onto Gu Lai’s hands, slowly moving it over to his waist. He turned his head away, his ears a bit red as he quietly and awkwardly asked,
“Is this ok now?”
In Gu Lai’s knowledge bank, men and women do not get intimate nor do men and men. Only lovers could kiss and do intimate things. His cold and stern face suddenly blushed red and he clumsily stumbled around, wanting to get up.
Seeing this, Shen You’s face changed and he held the other down,
“What’s wrong?”
Gu Lai’s ears were burning red, and he kept shaking his head but not saying a word. He kept looking at Shen You and then quickly avoided his eyes. Seeing this, Shen You suddenly realized what was happening but he only felt that the Gu Lai now was a bit cute. He caressed Gu Lai’s overly burning ears, gaining control over the situation and pushed up the other’s chin. He said in a low voice,
“What are you afraid of? You like me, I like you, this is a very normal thing……”
The moment these words were spoken, the two of them paused at the exact same time.
Shen You didn’t mind saying his thoughts out loud, as if he had just overcome the wall that was preventing him from saying it before. His face had no expression but his feelings were very complicated, yet at the same time he felt a breath of relief.
Gu Lai was really shocked. With rapidly blinking eyes, he helplessly said,
“You like me?”
As if he had given up, Shen You caught the back of Gu Lai’s head, forcing him to come closer. With unsteady breaths, he looked at him and said,
“I’m going to let bygones be bygones, let the past lie in the past. As for this time……”
Shen You paused before continuing,
“……. This time I’ll count it on you being good at this, count it as my loss.”
Gu Lai’s heart was scrambling to pick itself back up as it was feeling bloated and his programming started to bug out again, even more than when he had seen the ghost film last time. He held himself up to avoid squishing Shen You and asked in confusion,
“You like me?”
Fuck, why did he have to ask so many times!
Shen You used the back of his hands to cover his eyes and silently nodded his head.
Gu Lai knew sadness, happiness, fear and embarrassment, but he had never known what “like” was. He had never experienced this kind of emotion, and he faintly knew that the “like” coming out of Shen You’s mouth was different from a normal “like.”
He was a bit curious, a bit confused, and at the same time, he wanted to try.
Gu Lai lightly grabbed onto Shen You’s hands and then pulled them down. With a sudden damp feeling in his palm, he stared at the other and said with all seriousness,
“But I am really dumb. And I always make you mad. Even so, you like me?”
Shen You felt that the amnesiac Gu Lai was a bit dumb, but it felt as if he had been poked in the heart, making it all numb and full. He couldn’t blame himself for falling again and liking the other. He covered his face with his hands, saying with an unclear voice,
“It doesn’t have anything to do with you. I’m the one who has a terrible temper……someone who no one likes.”
This was really him letting go of his pride and admitting to his wrongs. If Tang Yi Shan and Ke Jing heard him now, they would be gasping in shock and wonder.
Gu Lai had never felt that Shen You was unlikeable; he sometimes thought it was quite interesting, like a cat with its fur all bristled up. Only he did not know why, whenever he was with Shen You, he would always be a bit nervous, stumbling over himself unlike Yu Xi who he was always that natural and comfortable with.
Honestly, at this point, they were almost at a point where they could make their relationship a reality. As with all women and men who have feelings for each other, they could really try taking a step forward.
“Then……”
Even though Gu Lai did not understand what it was to like, he knew that he did not hate Shen You.
Whether they were suitable together, they would have to try before he could make a decision.
With some things, Gu Lai was quite daring and brave. He discretely held onto Shen You’s hands, boosting up his confidence and said very quietly,
“Then from now on, how about you become my lover? I will work very hard to take care of you.”
Shen You’s eyes became blurry, as if something washed over him. He closed his eyes viciously, forcing the water back. With heavy breaths, he only said one sentence.
“Gu Lai, you better not be playing me……”
Gu Lai silently tightened his grasp on the other’s hands and said with a very serious expression,
“I am very serious.”
Shen You’s fingers twitched, wanting to hug the other but for whatever reason he did not move and instead said to Gu Lai,
“Come and hug me.”
He wanted Gu Lai to take the initiative.
Gu Lai was a bit embarrassed but he did as he was told. He reached over to hug the other as Shen You stared at the light high up on the ceiling, feeling a bit dizzy. He felt that today’s rollercoaster of ups and downs had gone a bit too fast, as if he was dreaming.
His hands slid down, feeling Gu Lai’s lean chest through his clothes. Shen You lightly poked at it and then reached into his pockets to pull out his phone and said,
“Hey……”
Gu Lai was very seriously hugging the other the entire time,
“Hmm?”
Shen You said,
“Add me back.”
Gu Lai’s mind wasn’t fully working yet,
“Huh?”
Shen You turned his head away with an unnatural awkwardness,
“Friends list, add me back.”
Even though it was through the phone, that feeling of helplessness and self deprecation transmitted over very clearly. A sudden weird feeling grew in Gu Lai’s heart; a feeling that was hard to stomach. He rose up and grabbed his house key before heading outside. With a quiet voice, he asked,
“Where are you now?”
But Shen You did not respond, it was as if all the air was sucked out of him and he became like a deflated balloon, unable to grab onto anything. His phone fell down between the seats, creating a quiet bang and cutting off the call.
Shen You stuffed his face deep into his palms and stifled cries finally came out of his throat. But after a while, they were stuffed back down down as far as possible, causing the veins to burst out from his forehead. It was a side of Shen You that was completely different from his usual confident front; he was currently a pitiful tiny bug-like thing that didn’t even dare to cry out a sound.
At first he thought it was an absurd drama made by two people, but in the end, it was only a solo act on the stage. What a joke.
When this city was hot, it was extremely hot, and yet when it cooled down, it was a split second change. It changed so quickly that people did not have time to react, without a period of transition.
Gu Lai was afraid that Shen You might get into an accident, so he was going to drive over to the other’s house. But who would have thought that the moment he stepped out of his complex’s entrance, he would spot a silver car with a very familiar license plate quietly parked by the roadside.
Once, when Gu Lai had delivered Shen You’s breakfast, he had spotted Shen You driving this car out.
Through the glass window, the car looked empty. But when Gu Lai looked forward towards the back windows, he could faintly see someone lying inside.
“Shen You?”
He called out his name but didn’t get a response.
Gu Lai could only then open the car door and a strong scent of alcohol wafted out. Shen You was lying in the back, drunk out of his mind, and beside him were piles of bottles and the floor was covered in alcohol.
Gu Lai did not expect that Shen You would drink so much and to this point. He ducked inside to scoop the other up. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted the phone that had fallen onto the floor and picked it up, slipping it back into Shen You’s shirt pocket before going around the driver side to take out the key and lock the car.
Shen You couldn’t even stand up straight. With the change in his surroundings, he could faintly sense that someone was bringing him somewhere else and he blindly grabbed at the other’s shirt collar and asked,
“Who are you….. you… who…”
“Gu Lai, it’s Gu Lai.”
Gu Lai was almost about to asphyxiate because of Shen You’s grasp. He wrestled his shirt collar back as he helped the other man into the elevator.
In his moment of daze and confusion, Shen You seemed to have recovered some sense of clarity and he let go as he mumbled,
“…… You are Gu Lai?”
Still wet, trails of tears sat on the sides of his face, and his subconscious nuzzle at Gu Lai’s neck felt icy cold.
Gu Lai looked down at him and only then found that the corners of Shen You’s eyes were tinted red. He was powerlessly holding his head up, revealing his weak throat without a care. The line of his neck was so straight and clean, but it seemed so lonely and bare.
He quickly brought the other up to his apartment. With a back covered in sweat, he leaned over to take off Shen You’s shoes and laid him on the bed, finally getting a moment to take a breather.
This holiday has gone a bit weird, Gu Lai thought to himself.
Shen You lay on the bed for a moment before uneasily turning himself over. With furrowed eyebrows, he unbuttoned the first couple buttons at the top of his shirt, breathing very heavily and deeply and looking very uncomfortable. Gu Lai was afraid he would fall down so he moved a small little plastic stool to sit by the bed.
Shen You’s Adam’s apple moved, slowly lifting his eyelids. His dark pupils were glazed over in a drunken haze of confusion as he stared at that piercing light shining down from the ceiling.
Muttering randomly in a quiet voice,
“Gu Lai……I know…… I know why you hugged me that day at the movie theater.”
Gu Lai subconsciously lifted his head, listening to him speak.
“You don’t even like me at all……”
Gu Lai scratched his head, not fully able to follow the other’s train of thought, but out of habit, he wanted to comfort Shen You. Yet before he could even say anything, Shen You suddenly slammed down on the bed, shouting with reddened eyes,
“Motherfucker, you were only afraid of ghosts!”
Gu Lai didn’t say anything, because he couldn’t refute it at all, so he only nervously picked at his fingers.
After Shen You yelled at him, he became quiet for a moment before stuffing his face into the pillow. Gu Lai was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to breathe, so with some hesitation, he reached out and lightly grabbed the pillow from under him. But then he found that there was a wet stain on the ashy blue pillow case.
“Shen You?”
Gu Lai was a bit anxious and he rose up, trying to get a look at Shen You’s face. When he found that he couldn’t, he forcefully moved the other over and unexpectedly was faced with a pair of tear-filled eyes.
With reddened eyes, Shen You said nothing and looked at him with eyes that held a bit of ferociousness. After a moment, he gritted out the words,
“I’m a motherfucking joke!”
He repeated,
“I am just a joke……”
Gu Lai paused in shock, his heart suddenly aching terribly. He wiped off the tears from Shen You’s face with clumsy hands, and comforted him in a very stupid way,
“You’re not, you’re not, no one is laughing at you……”
Shen You looked up and grabbed his hand, sticking it to his face and saying with a hoarse voice like a child who had been wronged,
“Then why don’t you like me?”
“I….. I don’t not like you…….”
Gu Lai’s eyes blinked rapidly, stumbling over his words. Yet when those words left his mouth, he faintly felt like something was not right, but he couldn’t pinpoint what.
Not not like means like.
Shen You’s furrowed eyebrows loosened up a tad after hearing him. He slowly leaned closer to Gu Lai, staring at the other’s eyes that were so innocent and as blank as a sheet of paper and his brain seemed to have mostly returned from his drunken haze. He mumbled,
“You really don’t remember anything?”
Gu Lai said,
“I don’t.”
Shen You didn’t respond and only gripped Gu Lai’s hand tighter. He closed his eyes, as if making an extremely difficult choice. Gu Lai felt a cold fluid under his palm and grabbed a tissue from the nearby table, leaning over to lightly wipe the other’s hands. Still repeating the same words as before,
“Don’t cry, it’s ok.”
And before he could finish, he felt a strong force that pulled at his wrist and he stumbled forward uncontrollably. And then with a flip and a roll, he was pressed down by Shen You.
This touched his blind spot – he didn’t know what he should display as an expression so he was emotionless, which looked to the outside eye quite icy cold and stern. With both hands by his side, he anxiously ruffled the sheets,
“You…… what are you doing?”
Shen You looked at him, pursing his lips and not saying anything. His right hand moved to the back of his neck, silently and lightly touching that ferocious scar, as he asked with a hoarse voice,
“Gu Lai, can I trust you once more……”
Gu Lai wanted to say that he had high credibility as an honest and trustworthy man, never owing any money nor skipping on paying back his debts, so he nodded his head hesitantly,
“Should be….. it should be ok.”
Weird, why was he saying “should”.
Gu Lai’s heart was beating a bit fast, and he twitched uncomfortably. Glancing up, he could see Shen You’s prominent collarbone, and he awkwardly shifted his eyes away, feeling for the first time in his life what it meant to be awkward and embarrassed,
“Can we….. can we change into different positions?”
Such as sitting perfectly well upright.
Shen You paused at that and nodded,
“Ok.”
And then in a blink of an eye, the both of them switched positions, with Gu Lai this time on top and Shen You on the bottom.
Gu Lai: “……”
Shen You held onto Gu Lai’s hands, slowly moving it over to his waist. He turned his head away, his ears a bit red as he quietly and awkwardly asked,
“Is this ok now?”
In Gu Lai’s knowledge bank, men and women do not get intimate nor do men and men. Only lovers could kiss and do intimate things. His cold and stern face suddenly blushed red and he clumsily stumbled around, wanting to get up.
Seeing this, Shen You’s face changed and he held the other down,
“What’s wrong?”
Gu Lai’s ears were burning red, and he kept shaking his head but not saying a word. He kept looking at Shen You and then quickly avoided his eyes. Seeing this, Shen You suddenly realized what was happening but he only felt that the Gu Lai now was a bit cute. He caressed Gu Lai’s overly burning ears, gaining control over the situation and pushed up the other’s chin. He said in a low voice,
“What are you afraid of? You like me, I like you, this is a very normal thing……”
The moment these words were spoken, the two of them paused at the exact same time.
Shen You didn’t mind saying his thoughts out loud, as if he had just overcome the wall that was preventing him from saying it before. His face had no expression but his feelings were very complicated, yet at the same time he felt a breath of relief.
Gu Lai was really shocked. With rapidly blinking eyes, he helplessly said,
“You like me?”
As if he had given up, Shen You caught the back of Gu Lai’s head, forcing him to come closer. With unsteady breaths, he looked at him and said,
“I’m going to let bygones be bygones, let the past lie in the past. As for this time……”
Shen You paused before continuing,
“……. This time I’ll count it on you being good at this, count it as my loss.”
Gu Lai’s heart was scrambling to pick itself back up as it was feeling bloated and his programming started to bug out again, even more than when he had seen the ghost film last time. He held himself up to avoid squishing Shen You and asked in confusion,
“You like me?”
Fuck, why did he have to ask so many times!
Shen You used the back of his hands to cover his eyes and silently nodded his head.
Gu Lai knew sadness, happiness, fear and embarrassment, but he had never known what “like” was. He had never experienced this kind of emotion, and he faintly knew that the “like” coming out of Shen You’s mouth was different from a normal “like.”
He was a bit curious, a bit confused, and at the same time, he wanted to try.
Gu Lai lightly grabbed onto Shen You’s hands and then pulled them down. With a sudden damp feeling in his palm, he stared at the other and said with all seriousness,
“But I am really dumb. And I always make you mad. Even so, you like me?”
Shen You felt that the amnesiac Gu Lai was a bit dumb, but it felt as if he had been poked in the heart, making it all numb and full. He couldn’t blame himself for falling again and liking the other. He covered his face with his hands, saying with an unclear voice,
“It doesn’t have anything to do with you. I’m the one who has a terrible temper……someone who no one likes.”
This was really him letting go of his pride and admitting to his wrongs. If Tang Yi Shan and Ke Jing heard him now, they would be gasping in shock and wonder.
Gu Lai had never felt that Shen You was unlikeable; he sometimes thought it was quite interesting, like a cat with its fur all bristled up. Only he did not know why, whenever he was with Shen You, he would always be a bit nervous, stumbling over himself unlike Yu Xi who he was always that natural and comfortable with.
Honestly, at this point, they were almost at a point where they could make their relationship a reality. As with all women and men who have feelings for each other, they could really try taking a step forward.
“Then……”
Even though Gu Lai did not understand what it was to like, he knew that he did not hate Shen You.
Whether they were suitable together, they would have to try before he could make a decision.
With some things, Gu Lai was quite daring and brave. He discretely held onto Shen You’s hands, boosting up his confidence and said very quietly,
“Then from now on, how about you become my lover? I will work very hard to take care of you.”
Shen You’s eyes became blurry, as if something washed over him. He closed his eyes viciously, forcing the water back. With heavy breaths, he only said one sentence.
“Gu Lai, you better not be playing me……”
Gu Lai silently tightened his grasp on the other’s hands and said with a very serious expression,
“I am very serious.”
Shen You’s fingers twitched, wanting to hug the other but for whatever reason he did not move and instead said to Gu Lai,
“Come and hug me.”
He wanted Gu Lai to take the initiative.
Gu Lai was a bit embarrassed but he did as he was told. He reached over to hug the other as Shen You stared at the light high up on the ceiling, feeling a bit dizzy. He felt that today’s rollercoaster of ups and downs had gone a bit too fast, as if he was dreaming.
His hands slid down, feeling Gu Lai’s lean chest through his clothes. Shen You lightly poked at it and then reached into his pockets to pull out his phone and said,
“Hey……”
Gu Lai was very seriously hugging the other the entire time,
“Hmm?”
Shen You said,
“Add me back.”
Gu Lai’s mind wasn’t fully working yet,
“Huh?”
Shen You turned his head away with an unnatural awkwardness,
“Friends list, add me back.”
